


Of Elevators and Eclairs

by ArcticLucie



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Blow Jobs, Did I mention there's smut?, Dirty Talk, Elevator Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, From Sex to Love, Frottage, Gratuitous Smut, Jealous!Kaidan, M/M, Making Love, Male Slash, My goal is smut every chapter, Paragade (Mass Effect), Porn With Plot, Semi-Public Sex, Sheploo - Freeform, Slight Canon Divergence, Smut, Snark, Strangers to Lovers, mShenko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-03-28 18:59:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 34,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3866131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcticLucie/pseuds/ArcticLucie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard and Kaidan's first meeting went like this: <i> I saw you trying to hit the “door close” button in the elevator but I made it in and then I pushed every single button to make you late for work, but now we’re stuck in this fucking elevator as it stops at every single floor and I don’t know what to say other than “you started it”.</i> </p><p>And of course, sex ensued.</p><p>But where do they go from there?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. On the Up & Up

Kaidan was not having a good day. He was already running late for his meeting with Captain Anderson and the Normandy's new XO by the time he got to his usual coffee shop. They had been extra crowded with customers since the new fleet arrived and today they had happened to run out of eclairs. 

When he went to order, the lady said, "Sorry, but he got the last one," motioning to the man in front of him.

The worst part was that the jerk in question had the audacity to turn around and gloat about it. "Guess this isn't your lucky day," the man said with a smug smile. And his bright blue eyes could only do so much to soften the blow.

Kaidan just scoff and scarfed down a muffin as he jogged to the shuttle stop. But apparently fate wasn't done pissing on him because that same man was a step ahead of him on the shuttle and managed to snag the last open seat. "Oh come on!" he groaned as he grabbed the overhead handle right next to him.

"Well, if it isn't me a second too late," the man smirked up at him, his devilishly disarming smile only adding to Kaidan's growing frustrations...among other things.

And Kaidan wanted to punch the bastard in his stupidly gorgeous face! And maybe kiss it. He settled for a "Fuck off," under his breath, but the man heard him.

"Gotta buy me dinner first...a drink at the least," the man said back.

Kaidan rolled his eyes again. Who the hell did this guy think he was? A space Casanova? So what if he had the body for it....

He was _absolutely_ in no way checking the man out. Instead, he busied himself with finishing his coffee and entertaining wishful thoughts about how he wanted the shuttle to make a sharp turn so he could 'accidentally' spill the hot liquid on his lap.

Of course the guy would get off at the same stop as him!

He had to once again follow in the man's footsteps, mindful not to stare at his ass, as they headed towards the administration building. The man was stopped by security, and Kaidan was the one smiling smugly as he walked right through the check point. 

But then Jenkins _had_ to stop him for a stupid question on what time they were meeting the Normandy's new XO.

By the time he reached the elevator, his morning nemesis was already on, frantically pushing the [close door] button with his own doubly smug smile. Kaidan managed to slip through the metal doors just as they were sliding shut. 

He was already ten minutes late by that point. So just for good measure, he ran his hand along the elevator panel and lit up the buttons for every floor as he stared the man down. He got an eye roll and a scoff in return. 

"You started it!" Kaidan hissed.

"Joke's on you, Marine, now you're stuck on this fucking elevator with me for twenty-two floors!" the man pointed out.

_Dammit!_ Kaidan internally cursed himself. He sure as hell wasn't going to get off. He was stubborn, yes, but it was the principle of the matter.

The other people on the elevator cleared out when the doors opened on the second floor grumbling about two idiots wasting everyone's time.

"I'm going to be late for a meeting because of you," Kaidan snarled at the man around floor eight, his arms crossed tightly in front of him as he shifted his weight over onto one foot.

"You're the idiot who pushed all the damn buttons, Sunshine."

"You're the idiot who stole my eclair! I've eaten one everyday for three months," Kaidan replied. "Until you showed up!"

"You should be thanking me then because they were obviously going straight to your ass!" the man countered as he uncrossed his limbs and pushed up from the wall he had been leaning quite handsomely against.

"So you've noticed my ass?" Kaidan bit back with an insincere smile.

"Yeah, so? It's a nice ass!" the stranger glowered, moving into Kaidan's personal space.

The elevator suddenly stopped mid floor. Kaidan had a brief moment of panic until he noticed the man's omni-tool glowing in his periphery. "You hacked the elevator?" he asked in bewilderment.

"Camera too," the man smiled wide. And Kaidan just had to kiss it right off his arrogant face. He grabbed him by the neck and smashed their mouths together, his tongue forcing its way into the man's mouth as strong hands fell to kneaded and tug at his ass until their bodies molded into one.

"I still fucking hate you, by the way," Kaidan mumbled before kissing him again, wedging a thigh between the man's legs and rutting up against the straining cock in his pants with his own.

"Fu-fuck you," the man muttered onto his lips as Kaidan pinned him to the wall with his hips.

There was a mad dash as they fumbled with buttons and buckles and zippers on their BDU's until Kaidan had a fist full of stranger. The man moaned into the kiss as he began to squeeze and slowly stroke his pulsing cock. This was not how he saw things playing out a few floors ago.

There was no time to think about that when the stranger's hand finally found its way into his boxer-briefs and curled around his hardening length. "God...," he whispered as the man's lips traveled down his neck. At least he was careful not to leave marks.

"No...not god...John, my, my name's John."

"Kaidan," he replied with a soft chuckle.

John made his way back to his lips and kissed him bruisingly hard as he wrestled him free of his fatigues. He ran his thumb along the slit of his cock gathering the pearls of precum to spread down his shaft sending Kaidan bucking into his hand. 

Usually one to take his time, Kaidan was just aware enough to know that he was late, in a damn elevator, and that that was probably not the best approach at the moment. His lips battled John's in a fierce kiss before Kaidan pulled away taking his bottom lip with him between his teeth then letting it snap back in place.

"Fuck," John moaned as Kaidan sunk down to his knees. 

He immediately took John's cock into his mouth as far as he could, the man's muffled curses echoing in the small metal box as his head flittered back in bliss. Delicious fingers burrowed their way into Kaidan's thick coal black hair when he swallowed the tip down his throat.

"Holy fucking hell!" John cried out as Kaidan pulled back to drag his tongue around the head. 

He plunged back down, a hand working along the base as the other gently cupped and rolled his balls. Releasing him with a wet pop, he licked a path downward and sucked a ball into his mouth, the stuttered moan John let out only spurring him on. He pulled back and sucked on the other before delicately tracing a vein up the underside of his cock to take him back into his mouth.

"I'm about to come," John said, looking down at him as he bit his lip.

Those eyes were just too fucking blue!

He increased the suction and his motions until John pulled him all the way down his shaft, his lips flush against him, hot come shooting down his throat as the man quivered above him. John's elbows came to rest on his shoulders as he doubled over from the force of his orgasm.

It took them both a minute to gather enough oxygen in their lungs to breathe right, but when they did, John found his lips again as he kneeled in front of him. Then, he was falling back as John laid him out on the floor before delving down on his cock hungrily. He propped himself up on his forearms and watched as those kiss-swollen lips consumed him over and over again.

"Why the fuck don't you have hair?!" Kaidan rasped, scrambling for anything to hold on to as he received the best blowjob he'd ever had. He was sure he was dreaming or dead because things like this never happened to him.

John hummed a laugh on his shaft and that sent waves of heat washing over him. Kaidan got lost for a moment in the blistering intensity of his gaze, their eyes locked like targeted missiles, and he was pretty sure he was in love with him at that point. Or maybe just his perfect lips and that deft tongue.

His mind was completely wrecked by the time a hand tunneled under his shirt up his abs to tweak a nipple. And he broke, spilling out into a scorching mouth as John swallowed him down until he thought he was going to cry from the pleasure. And he did, or whimpered rather, when John finally let him go because that was always the worst part: the coming down.

He fell flat on the floor as he gasped for air. Before he realized it, those eyes were hovering above him and flickering over his face, the small smile on John's lips more of accomplishment than self-satisfaction. Then, he leaned down and kissed him almost sweet as opposed to heated and heavy like before.

"I don't usually do this," John said, pulling back.

"I never do," Kaidan replied.

John gave him another quick kiss before he stood up, holding out his hand to help Kaidan. They exchanged a few shy smiles as they straightened their uniforms, but it wasn't long before John's cocky attitude made its return.

"Anybody ever tell you those lips were made for sucking cock?" John smirked.

Kaidan blushed at that. "No," he self-deprecatingly laughed, subconsciously licking his lips and trying not to giggle when he still tasted the other man on them.

"Keep practicing and maybe they will someday," John snickered, tucking in his shirt.

"Fuck you!" Kaidan tried to bark as he mirrored him, but he was too satiated for the words to hold malice, his smile giving him away even further.

"Maybe later," he winked as he fastened his belt.

"Maybe in your dreams," Kaidan huffed back, running a hand through his thoroughly tussled hair, the elevator now continuing its patterned ascent. 

"Yeah, definitely," the man smirked once more.

The rest of the ride up was spent in an unexpectedly comfortable silence. As they approached the twenty-second floor, Kaidan started to grow anxious. Was he supposed to give this guy his omni-tool frequency? Or ask for his? _This is why you don't date! You're clueless, Alenko!_

"I'll see ya around, Kaidan...maybe around seventeen hundred at the Officer's Club tonight," John said casually as he exited first.

"Hmmm, I'll, uh, I might see you there," Kaidan replied after him against his better judgement, repeating the time and place in his head several times so he wouldn't forget. He was supposed to be shipping out tomorrow, and he wasn't usually one for one-night stands. 

Or elevator sex with strangers for that matter. But what the fuck just happened?

He was already a good twenty-five minutes late by this point. Taking a quick detour to the head, he made sure he was presentable enough and made his way to the conference room for his meeting with Anderson. Hopefully he wouldn't be in too much trouble. 

"Uh, I'm Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. I'm late for a meeting with Captain Anderson," he told the receptionist.

"Yes, they're expecting you. Go right in," she smiled, waving him through.

Kaidan pulled open the big door and stepped inside the room. "Sorry I'm late, sir. The elevators were—" he lost his train of thought when his eyes once again fell upon the man he'd been trailing after all morning. The bastard's look of surprise was hastily masked by another smug smile.

"The Commander here told me they were on the fritz," Anderson said. "This is John Shepard, our new XO. Shepard, this is Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, our head of Marine detail."

Shepard held out a hand for him to shake, and he had to block out the fact that it was the same one that was jacking him off mere minutes ago. He cleared his throat, praying to all the gods that his face wasn't as red as it felt, before he was able to speak. "Nice to meet you, sir." 

"Likewise. Did you run all the way here, Lieutenant? You look a little overheated," Shepard smiled wickedly.

"Biotics run hot, sir," Kaidan replied as stoically as he could.

"Is that so?"

Kaidan nodded, a challenge in his eyes.

"I'll keep that in mind. Oh, I almost forgot, Anderson, I brought you an eclair," Shepard said to the Captain, the challenge now in his eyes as the cyan hue once more locked onto honey brown.

"You must've read my mind, son. I've been eyeing Alenko's at our morning meetings all week," Anderson replied, his attention now fully focused on the sweet treat Shepard handed over.

And all Kaidan could think as he stared back at the sneaky bastard turned his new XO was, _"I am so fucked!"_


	2. On the Down Low

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan meets Shepard for a drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back from my vacation! Yay! So I'll be back to posting [ Suffocate](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2773691/chapters/6220574) next week, but I decided to go ahead and make this a multichapter fic and have been dying to get this out.
> 
> I plan on there being a lot of smut here. We'll see how that goes, but I'm aiming for fun and light. And maybe a tad bit of angst, y'know...because Virmire and the whole dead for two years thing....

****1715 Hours, Officer's Club****

Kaidan had spent the last thirty minutes pacing outside before he had the courage to enter the club. As soon as he did, he knew it was his kind of place. The lights and music were soft and low, and the small crowd was tolerable. He never enjoyed the ruckus of most clubs with their loud music and all the dancing; they always triggered his migraines.

Part of him was hoping that Shepard wouldn't show up, or that he'd tell Kaidan to leave if he was. He knew it was a bad idea, but they'd spent an awkward day in meetings and touring the Normandy together, and if nothing else, he just wanted to talk to him about what had happened this morning in the elevator so they could clear the air.

Kaidan would have never in a millions years muddled the chain of command intentionally. Fraternizing was something he was sure to steer clear of. In fact, he purposely shied away from dating anyone in the military. And he certainly wasn't one for one-night stands.

But another part of him was something like entranced by those blue eyes. The elevator incident was eerily similar to that first free hit his red sand dealer gave him right after he returned home from BaAT, that little taste to get him hooked, and he didn't even know the man. Not really.

He knew _of_ John Shepard through scuttlebutt, knew he was some military brat turned war hero, and he'd probably seen the man in passing on vids or recruitment posters, but this morning he hadn't recognized him. He probably wouldn't've recognized him now if they hadn't been introduced earlier.

There really was no way to know what would come out of the evening. For all he knew, Shepard was a "love 'em and leave 'em" kind of guy who had men, women, and probably an Asari or two in each port. Kaidan was certain that his cocky attitude was often mistaken for charm.

Like he was one to disagree, he was about to meet the man in a bar....

 _Last chance to turn back,_ he thought after easily spotting the Commander on a nearby stool. Taking a deep breath to steady his nerves, he walked over.

"There are clear rules against fraternizing," Kaidan said as he slid upon the open barstool next to Shepard.

The Commander looked over, face unreadable as he gave him the once over. They were both still in their BDU's, but all of a sudden, Kaidan felt like he was being scrutinized at inspection. He resisted the urge to snap to attention and refused to break eye contact.

 _Calm the fuck down, Alenko! He's a commander not an admiral!_ he reminded himself.

"Rule one about me, Lieutenant, is that I don't like rules," Shepard replied smoothly before tossing back the rest of his whiskey.

"Am I supposed to be impressed?" he replied dryly.

Shepard shot him a crooked smirk before calling over the Turian bartender. "What are you drinking?"

"Whatever you're having," Kaidan said, placing his hands on the bar and interlacing them. He was trying very hard to ignore the sweaty palms and the pulsing sensation in his groin as blood rushed downward.

"What'll it be?" the Turian asked.

"Another for me and the same for my new friend here," Shepard answered, clapping Kaidan on the back. The Turian refilled Shepard's glass and poured a new one for Kaidan. "To strangers on elevators," he toasted, holding up his glass.

Kaidan nodded and clinked them together. "And eclairs," the Lieutenant added before he took a swig, the amber liquid burning in all the right places as it traveled down his esophagus. "So...are we sweeping this morning under the proverbial rug?" Kaidan asked as he rose a brow curiously, if not a bit flirtatiously, and maybe somewhat hopeful he'd say "no".

"That would be the wise thing to do, but _technically_ we have till eight hundred tomorrow before we officially work together. I'd say that leaves us a little under thirteen hours to forget," Shepard replied, his voice absolutely titillating in just the right way to the point where Kaidan knew he was already in trouble. "Or to remember," the Commander quickly added, his voice going low and rough, and that just wasn't fair!

Shepard quickly drained the rest of his glass before tossing down a few credit chits as he stood, Kaidan doing the same. He couldn't help it; he was compelled to follow like Shepard was a Siren who was luring him to the rocks. And he probably was, but Kaidan could hardly give two fucks about that at the moment because he had tentatively planned on giving those to Shepard.

They made their way to a hotel across the street, Kaidan mindful to stay half a step behind as they crossed the lobby to maintain the illusion of professionalism just to be safe. He couldn't complain. Especially after noticing that having the man's six came with a pretty damn good view.

But he already knew that.

Shepard must've already had a room because they went straight to the elevator. Kaidan tried not to read into the implications of that. Instead he zeroed in on the hard lines he'd soon be clutching and the confident swagger of the man leading the way.

Thank the gods nobody got on the lift with them because he just couldn't wait to meld their lips together once more. It was an exact repeat of their earlier encounter; Kaidan pushed him up against the mirrored walls and slipped his knee between his legs as their lips connected. He hummed in approval when Shepard's hands slid down the curve of his spine and into his back pockets.

"Think you can wait till we get off the elevator this time before you rip my clothes off?" John teased.

"Shuddup," Kaidan playfully scowled before reassaulting his mouth with his tongue, the nimble muscle mapping his XO's like it was the last kiss he'd ever have, because he was fairly certain he'd never get another chance with him after this. All they had was thirteen hours, and he was determined to make the most of it.

I...need to...know...mmm...if I should...hack...the elevator," Shepard mumbled on his lips as they kissed.

"I think I can control myself for a few more floors," Kaidan said as Shepard began nibbling on his jawline.

"You sure? Because I'm pretty hot," he chuckled, pulling back so Kaidan could melt into his stupidly perfect smile.

"Why did I think this was a good idea?" he groaned, asking Shepard just as much as himself.

"Because nine hours ago I gave you the best head you ever had," the Commander smiled smugly. "And you're just dying to know what else I can do."

"Don't flatter yourself," Kaidan scoffed, rolling his eyes and pulling away. He wasn't going to admit that the man was right. Not yet anyway.

John laughed and stalked towards him until their bodies were back where they belonged—fitted together from stern to bow—as he began kissing his neck. Kaidan gladly tilted his head to allow him more access. He was so beyond ready to rip off their clothes, and so fucking ready to get off the elevator and _get off_ when the bell dinged indicating their floor.

Why did he feel like a teenager again?

Shepard led him by the hand to the room, their calloused fingers interlaced rather delicately. The door swooshed open as they approached, the lock turning red after it shut. They began peeling off their fatigues before the door had finished closing and left pieces of their uniforms strung out like a path of breadcrumbs to the bed.

He wasn't sure who was leading exactly. Shepard was pulling just as much as he was pushing, but the little added biotic push at the end to get Shepard on the bed got a surprised "oomph" out of the Commander. He hadn't counted on the biotic pull Shepard hit him with that had him landing on top of his new XO, his own undignified sound of surprise escaping his lips.

"What? Think you're the only biotic god in the galaxy?" Shepard asked. "Speaking of, I changed my mind about that whole god thing. If you wanna call me that, you can," he winked.

Kaidan pinched a nipple in punishment, and Shepard arched up into him as he hissed in pleasure. They both laughed low before their lips found each other, the mirthy sounds giving way to breathy moans as deep kisses followed. Shepard's blunt nails were adorning his ass with half moons as they began to roll their hips, their erections sandwiched between them as their hypersensitive members rubbed together.

"Fuck me," Shepard gasped when Kaidan sucked a hickey low on his neck, mindful to keep it below where the collar of his uniform would sit.

Kaidan had assumed he'd be bottoming, which he didn't mind at all, but he certainly hadn't expected the man underneath him in particular to want to be fucked. At first he wrote it off as just a random thing he said in the moment, until Shepard pulled his head back by the hair to look him in the eye.

"Fuck me, Kaidan!"

"I didn't picture you as a bottom," he replied, raising a brow.

"I'll admit, it's rare, but I needed you inside me like hours ago! So fuck off! Or better yet, shut up and _fuck me_ because you might never get this chance again," Shepard said.

"What, uh, what was that word? 'Please'? Yeah, I'm gonna need to hear," Kaidan goaded.

Shepard grunted underneath him before quickly flipping their positions. "Listen up, Lieutenant Smartass! You must've forgotten how mind-blowing I was this morning, so let me give you a refresher," Shepard sternly stated, the tip of his tongue briefly flicking over Kaidan's lips.

Kaidan watched as that skilled tongue traveled lazily down his torso, stopping to spiral both nipples before continuing onward. That tongue was fucking incredible! Not once did they break eye contact as it zigzagged down the crevices of his defined abs, darting quickly into his bellybutton then down the happiest trail of hair in existence until Shepard was kneeling on the floor, head between his legs.

And if Kaidan thought that the rushed elevator blowjob from this morning was the best he'd ever had, there were no words capable enough to describe the way it felt to have Shepard's deft tongue teasing the delicate head of his cock molasses slow. He curved his lips around the tip and applied a gentle sucking pressure as he started with the shallowest of bobs, increasing both as he went along.

Kaidan's head rolling back as Shepard took him all the way in and swallowed him down. "Oh god, don't ever fucking stop!" he demanded, his hand once again searching for purchase in hair nonexistent. 

"What was that word again?" Shepard ribbed, pulling off, his fingers lightly ghosting over the skin of Kaidan's abs. 

"Yeah, I still fucking hate you!" was his reply.

"You sure about that?" the Commander facetiously asked.

Kaidan shuddered out a whimper when Shepard blew over the thin veneer of cooling saliva on his cock before squeezing gently and teasing the rim of the head with that talented tongue. "Ugh! Fine..." he whined desperately, "Would you stop messing around and suck me, _please!_

The irony was not lost on Kaidan that he was now the one reduced to a needy mess of pleas for more the lower those devious lips moved downward along his shaft, but holy hell, how did his mouth feel so damn good? The wet, fiery, suction ceased for a fraction of a second, but returned in full force before he could protest again.

He realized—as he fisted the sheets—where it had went when Shepard drew a spit-slick finger around his tight hole before pushing into him. He couldn't help but buck up into that sensational heat when Shepard hit the electrified spot inside him that made all his nerve endings light up at once.

If not for that and him getting so hopelessly lost in the heady feeling that was Shepard, he might've been able to hold off a little longer, but the second time he hit is prostate, Kaidan shot his sticky essence down his throat without warning to a fanfare of curses and "Oh fuck, John!"'s.

"Guess you'll be getting your way after all," Shepard playfully huffed after releasing Kaidan's thoroughly spent cock with a loud, wet pop. He reached for the drawer and pulled out an unopened bottle of lube. After breaking the seal, he coated his fingers and got to work stretching Kaidan open.

And gods be damned if he wasn't just as proficient with those hellishly brilliant digits as he was with his tongue!

He thought the man would climb back up onto the bed after he lubed up his length, but he was learning rather quickly that the Commander was a little unpredictable. Hooking his hands behind Kaidan's knees, he pulled him off the bed and all but impaled him on his waiting cock.

Kaidan was left breathless at the rapid intrusion—pleasurable shivers making his whole body tremble, the burn not entirely unwelcome. They were still for a moment as he adjusted to the pretty substantial girth filling him. His fingernails had broken the skin on Shepard's shoulders as he held on with bruising force. He wasn't exactly one for rough and hard, but this man seemed to have a way of waking up his inner animal.

"Shit! Are you alright?" Shepard asked concerned, his lips soothingly pressed over Kaidan's jumping pulse point. A hand was tenderly combing through his hair, the other rubbing circles on a thigh. "That was too fast, I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine...I just need a minute," he rasped. It was way more than fine, it was fantastic!

Shepard kept applying soft kisses along his neckline, down to his collarbone and up to each ear. Kaidan found his lips for an impassioned kiss when he was ready and slowly began to rock his hips, but it didn't take long for them to build up to a blistering pace.

They were soon glistening with sweat as Kaidan rode him relentlessly, bouncing up and down on his shaft while Shepard guided his hips. He was only slightly surprised when his cock began to stir, rehardening and throbbing as it volleyed back and forth between their stomachs.

"You're gonna make me come again!" Kaidan proclaimed. For Spirits' sake, he was a grown ass man in his thirties!

"You first," Shepard replied, moving a hand to slither in between them so he could stroke him. "You feel incredible, by the way," he whispered as teeth sunk into the trapezius of Kaidan's shoulder. And that did it.

His breathing hitched as he came again—muscles a convulsive wreck—when Shepard's grip constricted around him, his body pulling the younger man into oblivion with him as they crested together, skin touching everywhere possible as they clung tightly to one another on their descent from the deliciously orgasmic high.

They were both panting as Shepard nosed along his neck up to his lips before kissing him again until they were forced to break apart for air. It had been way too long since he'd been fucked that good. Hell, he'd never been fucked so completely in all his life. How was he ever going to give this up?

"How many times do you think we can do that before we have to ship out tomorrow?" Shepard asked, chest still heaving as Kaidan drew patterns on the bare skin of his back.

"I have no idea, but I'd be willing to find out," Kaidan answered, grinning darkly at him before ducking his head to kiss down his neck to the marks he had made with his nails.

"I think we might be in trouble here," the Commander said.

"Yeah? Well, maybe you shouldn't've stolen my eclair," he purred into his ear as he nipped at the lobe.

"Well, maybe you shouldn't've pushed all the buttons in the damn elevator," Shepard snapped back, the malice negated by his cheeky grin. "...you know I can't play favorites...."

"I would kick your ass if you tried...but you still owe me an eclair," Kaidan chuckled.

"I'll buy you one tomorrow...in the meantime...room service, and then you're fucking me."

"Is that an order, _Commander?_ "

"You bet your hot, sweet ass it is," he snickered as he smacked said ass before kneading it in reverence.

 _It's going to be a good fucking night,_ Kaidan couldn't help but think.

But what were they supposed to do come morning?


	3. Full Disclosure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Kaidan evaluation their "relationship" on their first day of duty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got a tiny bit plotty, but still has some sexy times.

**0600, Shepard's Hotel Room**

Kaidan woke up in a tangled heap of limbs with his face nuzzled into Shepard's neck when the alarm on his omni-tool beeped. His whole body ached in the best way possible and he was exhausted from being up half the night. He'd need a helluva lot of coffee today, but all in all, he couldn't complain. 

First order of business was a shower. He tried rather unsuccessfully to extricate himself from what seemed like Shepard's eight limbs, but the more he struggled, the tighter the grip became. He gave up his fight with a groan which earned him a low raspy chuckle from Shepard.

"Time to get up, Commander," he sighed defeatedly.

"Too early."

"I have, _we_ have things to do today. It's going to be chaos shipping out. And I need coffee," Kaidan tried to reason.

"Know what I need? More cock," Shepard said, nipping along his jaw, fingers twisting around Kaidan's morning erection. 

What the hell was this man doing to him? He'd come more times last night than he had the past two years combined! And he was ready to go again.

"Besides, we don't have to report for duty for two more hours, Alenko."

Kaidan grunted in frustration. "Okay, how about this...we'll go one more round in the shower, then we go our separate ways...for good this time."

With that, Shepard threw off the covers and hopped out of bed, his naked silhouette a thing of beauty as he sauntered to the bathroom. John was already inside the stall—cock waiting at attention—when he stepped into the shower, and Kaidan had to wonder how he went thirty-two years without ever having life affirming shower sex. But fuck if it wasn't worth the wait!

How he got the upper hand, he wasn't sure, but Shepard was pinned face first against the wall before his thick mop had even been soaked through. He nipped along the skin of his neck and watched the shivers raise bumps along the surface despite the heated water. Droplets pelted them from above and Kaidan traced the path one took up the man's knotted spine. 

Shepard moaned and pressed his hips back into him, a silent invitation that he was afraid he'd never be able to ignore. His head fell back to Kaidan's shoulder when he quickly sheathed himself inside, a hand burrowing into wet hair as the other flew up to brace them on the wall. 

He was still so slick with lube and filled with come from their last round that Kaidan's cock slipped easily inside. He'd never been so turned on in all his life knowing that the man was so stretched and loose from the passion they shared all night, but still so fucking tight around him. It only spurred him on as he withdrew completely before slamming back into him hard and fast like the crack of a whip.

"Fuck, Kaidan! How the shit are you doing this to me?" John panted nearly out of breath when Kaidan grabbed his thick cock and squeezed.

"Me?" Kaidan chuckled.

Kaidan pistoned into him relentlessly bringing them both quickly to the edge before slowing his rhythm in an attempt to make it last as long as possible. He was certain he'd never get another chance at this and he wanted to memorize every moment, every feeling of this man against his body and around his dick.

But it wasn't long before John started jutting his hips back into him and fucking himself on Kaidan's girth, his silken inner walls devouring him with every backwards thrust. He couldn't hold off anymore, his restraint breaking like a cheap rubber band as he met every one of the Commander's strikes with one of his own. Shepard's body convulsing with his orgasm ripped Kaidan's from him as he came inside the man for what had to be at least the fourth time that night.

Gods, they were fucking animals because that didn't even include the the times he bottomed or the blowjob in the elevator. None of his friends would ever believe him if he told him about their night or who it was with, not that he was one to kiss and tell.

Afterwards, they got dressed in silence. All Kaidan's things were back on the Normandy, and he was hoping he could slip aboard relatively unseen in his frumpy mess of wrinkly clothes. He was worried that everyone would be able to take one look at him and know he'd slept with their new XO. It was irrational but what good could come out of spending the night with your commanding officer?

There was no rule book for that. In fact, the rule book explicitly stated: "DON'T!!"

"I'll, uh, see you in a few," Kaidan said. 

Shepard walked over to him and cupped his cheeks. He nodded softly and brought their mouths together for a slow and languid kiss, Kaidan's knees turning to jelly under the weight of it, of knowing that it would have to be their last. He wrapped his arms around Shepard and held on tight, the Commander doing the same, as the kiss turned from tender to hopelessly desperate.

There was nothing left to be said after they broke apart. Kaidan nodded stiffly and turned around to leave. They had already agreed that nothing could happen once they officially starting working together, but for the first time in his life, Kaidan didn't give a damn about regs.

 

**0735, Normandy Mess Hall**

Kaidan had just started his prelaunch rundown but already needed his first coffee refill. The sludge that passed for the caffeinated beverage was an acquired taste, but luckily he'd been in the Service long enough to acquire it. The ship was still pretty barren, but Engineer Adams had joined him by the time Shepard walked in. 

"Morning," Shepard said as he made a bee line for the coffee machine. He stopped upon noticing Kaidan and launched a brown paper bag at him. "Make sure Anderson gets the other," he said back over his shoulder. 

"Ahem, yes, sir," Kaidan replied, clearing the dryness from his throat. He opened the bag and grinned as he pulled out a chocolate glazed eclair. He looked over at Shepard who shot him that infamously smug smile before turning his attention back to his coffee and Lieutenant Fellawa who had been following behind him with several datapads.

"The Commander brought you an eclair?" Adams asked.

"He owed me one," Kaidan replied before digging into the delicious treat. He was sure it was the best eclair he ever had. "They're my favorite," he continued around a mouthful of gooey goodness. 

"How are things down in engineering this morning?" Shepard asked, coming over to the table after Fellawa grabbed two mugs of coffee and headed out.

"Running smoothly. We can't wait to get out there and open her up...," Adams answered.

The engineer continued on but Kaidan was too preoccupied with the eclair and the stray looks Shepard kept tossing his way to pay attention. Hopefully it looked like he was listening to the conversation and not making eyes at his XO. It was Anderson's voice that finally brought him out of his lustful daze.

"Good morning, gentlemen," the Captain greeted them.

"Good morning, sir," Shepard saluted before reaching across the table for the extra eclair he had brought. "Thought you could use one last treat before we ship out," he said, handing the bag over.

"Shepard you really know the way to an old soldier's heart," Anderson chuckled as he peaked inside.

"I got you six, sir," he smiled back.

"Adams, I'm ready for the engineering report."

"Yes, sir," Adams said as he stood. 

"You two meets us down in engineering when you finish your coffee. And put this in my cabin, would you?" 

"Aye, sir," Shepard said, taking back the bag. The Commander emptied his mug with one last swig and dropped it in the sink on his way to the Captain's cabin. 

Kaidan stood and drained his mug as well before taking the last bite of his eclair. He was sucking the chocolate off his thumb as Shepard was about to enter the cabin, but he stopped dead in his tracks when he looked over and caught Kaidan's eye. Then, he was all but leering at him as he licked the remaining mess off his fingers, and maybe, _maybe_ Kaidan hammed it up a bit for his benefit.

 

**0750, In Front of the Normandy Elevator**

Shepard was leaning a shoulder up against the wall by the call button waiting for him when he rounded the corner. "Fancy meeting you here," John drawled.

Kaidan scoffed, "You have the worst pick up lines in the galaxy."

"Yes, but they're effective," Shepard countered as they entered the elevator. Kaidan was in no position to argue with that. "So...about how long do you think this elevator ride will take?" he continued, raising a brow.

"Too long for whatever you're thinking," Kaidan replied.

"But we still have a good ten minutes before we officially _come_ on duty," he chuckled.

"You're terrible," he dryly stated.

"But I only need five to make you see stars," John purred in his ear. 

Kaidan felt the lift stop mid-floor, but this time, he was the one pinned against the wall, and he couldn't say he minded. Not when soft lips were peppering his neck with kisses and John's fingers were entwined with his on the wall above his head. 

Kaidan quickly reversed their position and sunk down to his knees. Gods be damned! How was this man hard _again?_ It must've been contagious because Kaidan felt his own erection stirring and palmed himself as he sucked off the Commander in the elevator like he'd first done twenty-four hours previously when they started this whole damn mess.

He stood when the mission was complete and wiped the come from the corner of his mouth as John dropped down to eagerly return the favor. Kaidan honestly wasn't expecting the man to be such a giving lover, but he wasn't going to complain when those lips slid down over his cock. But damn, could the man grow a _little_ hair?

"Fuck, Kaidan! Thought you said we weren't going to be doing this again?" Shepard rasped as he tucked his now flaccid cock back into his BDU's.

"You're the one who hacked the elevator! Again!" Kaidan pointed out.

"Hey, I'm the wildcard, the _'I don't play by the rules'_ guy here! Spirits, you could've stopped me, could've said 'no', at least," he replied, releasing the elevator.

"Could I?" Kaidan countered. That was probably the worst possible thing he could've said because he watched Shepard's face go from playful to shockingly horrified in the blink of an eye. "I-I didn't mean—"

"Are you saying I forced you? Abused my position?"

"No, I—"

"Jesusfuckinghell! You never said 'NO'! That's why you? Because you thought you had to? Oh gods!" he panically mumbled running his hands over his buzzed head in a clear sign of distress. 

"No! That's not what I—"

The doors slid open to a few waiting crewmen and Shepard hurriedly pushed through them. When Kaidan caught up to him down the hall to engineering, he heard him talking to Joker through the comms about what he assumed was the elevator, "...a bug, Moreau. I took care of it."

"Ah, Marines, I thought you got lost," Anderson said when they joined him.

"Sorry, sir. Problem with the elevator," Shepard explained, "Won't happen again."

"I should hope not. If so, we'll just blame the Turians...You two seem to have the worst luck with those," he chuckled. "Now, where were we?"

***

For the rest of the day, Shepard avoided him, which was quite impressive on such a small ship. Of course, it made sense when you took into account that the man grew up on Alliance vessels. Kaidan was so wrapped up with his duties that he wouldn't've had time to really look for him anyway, but he was once again left with the need to find him and clear the air.

He hadn't intended to freak Shepard out. What he said was meant as a joke, a bad one, but a joke none the less. No one would ever mistake him for a comedian. Now, he was screwed in the worst way possible.

_"Alenko, I need to see you in my cabin, ASAP,"_ Anderson said over the comms.

"On my way, sir," he replied before putting away the tools he was using to tweak a faulty console. His heart leapt up into his throat when he got there only to find the Commander standing rather rigidly in the center of the room. This was not going to end well.... "You wanted to see me, sir?" 

"Yes, Shepard just informed me of your...previous relationship," he said.

_Previous?_ His heart sank at that. The word implied that it was over, which was probably for the best considering that he was getting dangerously attached way too fucking fast.

"Be honest and speak your mind, son. Did the Commander, in anyway, make you feel forced or pressured?"

"No, sir! Absolutely not. Everything between us was completely consensual," Kaidan replied, looking to Shepard who was looking anywhere but at him. Why'd he have to open his big, stupid mouth?

"Are you sure? I promise you that no sort of retaliation or retribution will come your way if that was not the case?"

"I'm one hundred percent positive."

"Did you, in any way, use the relationship to gain privileges not afforded to your peers?"

"Gods no! I would never...." Kaidan trailed off.

"I'm sure, Alenko, but I just had to ask for transparency's sake," he sighed. "Considering that this happened before you were technically under his command, and neither of you have any black marks on your records, I've decided not to report this... _incident._ But for future reference, think before you idiots do something like this again!"

"Aye, sir," they replied in unison.

"Now, get the hell out. We've got work to do!"

They both saluted before turning to quickly shuffle out of the cabin. "Why the fuck did you tell?" Kaidan harshly whispered once they were far enough away for the door to shut.

"What the hell else was I supposed to do?" Shepard hissed.

"Oh, I don't know, wait till we could talk or...something, like normal people."

"Well, excuse me for trying to do the right thing and turn myself in for 'conduct unbecoming!'"

"Since when do you care about rules?"

"Rules and my conscience are two entirely different things, Alenko," Shepard snapped back. The Commander took a deep breath and let it out. "I've never slept with a subordinate before. I didn't know what else to do, okay? You fucking freaked me out!"

"And I've never slept with my CO. It was good and now you fucking ruined it!"

"You were pretty adamant that it was to be over at 0800," John reminded him.

"I changed my mind, okay? But now it is over because you went and ratted on us...I...maybe I didn't want to stop, I don't know, but now you forced our hand!"

"Oh grow up, LT! He didn't tell us to stop...just suggested we think about it first. Besides, if anyone finds out, now it's been disclosed to a superior," Shepard said. "And it just so happens that I'm thinking about it right now," he smirked.

Kaidan was more than a little glad to see his cool demeanor slide back into place once again but rolled his eyes nonetheless. "You're insane, did you know that?" But thank the Spirits for technicalities.


	4. The First Human Spectre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan gets jealous; Shepard and Kaidan find themselves in another elevator; Shepard sets life goals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably one of the dirtiest smut scenes I've written, so hopefully ya'll will like it, idk. Feel free to tell me to stop if these start sucking, and not in a good way. :p 
> 
> *Slight dom/sub undertones, semi-public sex, and LOTS of dirty talk. Enjoy!

Kaidan was not a fan of Ashley Williams. Sure, she was an excellent fighter, but she was currently hovering over Shepard in the med-bay while he was forced outside where he busied himself with tinkering with a damn console. And it was her fault he was in there in the first place!

It was bad enough that they lost Jenkins, but she activated the beacon on Eden Prime and now Shepard was laying there unconscious. There was no way of knowing what kind of effect it would have on the Commander or if he'd even wake up. But what Kaidan did know was that Ashely Williams was his least favorite person in the galaxy.

Kaidan ate a sandwich bent over the console as he kept vigil from afar. About an hour after lunch, Captain Anderson went in the med-bay and Ashley came out. He took that as a good sign that maybe Shepard had woken up. Especially considering the grin on Williams' face.

They were approaching the Citadel when Shepard finally left the med-bay. Kaidan watched as he had a brief conversation with Ashley that included a few smiles and batted eyelashes that Kaidan tried to ignore. Shepard caught him staring and made his way over after he was finished with Williams.

Kaidan was expecting some smartass comment, but Shepard asked how he was doing about losing Jenkins. They talked for a few moments about the mission and the beacon before Shepard left to head up to the cockpit. The whole conversation was quite professional and Kaidan couldn't fight the little nugget of doubt working its way into his chest at the possibility that Shepard was done with him now that Williams was aboard. She was pretty, he had to admit.

Ashley made her way over a few minutes later and introduced herself properly before moving on to grill him about Shepard. "Glad the Commander is going to be okay. What's his story anyway?" she tried to slyly ask, but he knew she was fishing for information.

"He's gay," Kaidan blurted out. It was the only thing he could think of even though he wasn't a hundred percent sure that was the case. Shepard could've been bi or pan or a number of different possibilities on the varied list of other -sexuals.

"A Williams never turned down a challenge," she winked, her salacious smile boiling his blood in a slew of jealous emotions.

*****

Kaidan and Ashley joined Shepard on his mission to inform the Council about the situation with Saren the rogue Spectre. Unfortunately, the Council was less than helpful, but after digging around for dirt on the Turian and making a few new friends, they agreed to make Shepard the first Human Spectre.

Garrus, the former C-Sec officer that helped them with their investigation, had joined them at Shepard's induction but made a swift exit to tie up lose ends after accepting a position on the Normandy. Shepard had an errand to run for the Elcor Ambassador afterwards and Kaidan tagged along.

That led them to the infamous Asari Consort who enlisted their help with one of her unruly clients. Once they got everything squared away, the Consort gave Shepard a few words of wisdom for his help and offered her services in the form of her body as compensation. Shepard declined and Kaidan had to wonder if it was because of him or because the Commander was actually gay.

Eventually, they started back to the ship. The elevator from the Presidium to the Ward they were docked on was mostly glass and gave a beautiful view of the station on the ascent. But as soon as the lift cleared out, save for the two of them, Shepard hacked the thing using his Spectre codes. 

Before he could protest Shepard was pressed against his back and whispering into his hair. "Strip," he said as he began to pop open the seals of Kaidan's armor.

"Shepard, maintenance will be here in a few minutes," he reasoned, but Shepard's hands kept removing armored plates and dropping them on the floor with heavy thuds. He started with his own when Kaidan was left in just his boots and under armor. 

"Don't you want to be the first person to get fucked by the first Human Spectre?" he asked.

"I, uh, yeah, I want that."

"Good. Then strip, Lieutenant," Shepard repeated, his lips tickling the sensitive skin around Kaidan's amp port. 

Kaidan toed off his boots and peeled off the thin layer of fabric against his better judgment, but he trusted Shepard's hacking skills. He could hear Shepard rustling behind him as he removed the last of his under armor. Then, before he knew what happened, the Commander had him pinned against the frigid glass of the elevator.

"Think anyone can see us?" Shepard asked, biting at the fleshy shell of his ear.

"I don't know," Kaidan managed to reply. He had to admit the thought was kind of thrilling. He wasn't much of a exhibitionist but Shepard had him doing all kinds of things he'd never even dreamed of before.

"You want them to see? Want people to watch me fuck you?"

"Y-yeah," he surprisingly croaked out.

Shepard nipped along his neck as he ground his erection against the cleft of his ass. "Want them to see me pounding into your tight hole?

"Please," Kaidan whimpered. It'd been almost two weeks since the last time they were together that day in the Normandy's elevator, and Kaidan had had a fucking wet dream every night since. He was beginning to think that his body really was addicted to Shepard.

Shepard let out a low throaty chuckle as he ran his hands along Kaidan's arms to entwine their fingers. He moved them up above their heads and pressed Kaidan's palms to the cold glass. Then, he carefully kicked his feet out so his legs were spread wide. 

"Don't move," John ordered.

Kaidan couldn't think of one damn witty comeback to that so he did as he was told. He felt more than heard Shepard kneeling behind him, the trail of kisses down his spine giving the man away. John squeezed the cheeks of his ass and spread them apart, and Kaidan had never felt so vulnerable before. He'd been with a few guys in his past but none that had eaten him out, which he had a feeling Shepard was about to do.

Shepard ran his tongue from his perineum up past the pucker of his ass before repeating the motion over and over until Kaidan was a withering mess of pleas for more above him. Then, he began to lap and lick at the delicate ring of muscle of his entrance as Kaidan trembled on increasingly shaky legs. 

Kaidan let out an undignified moan when that masterful tongue forced its way inside him to tease his inner walls. There was nothing to grip on the glass so his nails began to sink into his palms while Shepard penetrated his hole. A finger was added alongside his tongue until he pushed in another and stood back up to just use saliva covered digits.

"Gonna have to start carrying lube in my armor," Shepard quipped as he finished opening him up.

"Do you really think it'd be good publicity to get caught banging your subordinate all over the Galaxy?" Kaidan shot back over his shoulder.

"Would you like me to go back to the Consort? She seemed willing," Shepard teased.

That was absolutely the worst thing the Commander could've said. Yes, Kaidan knew he was feeling jealous and insecure and that he was overreacting, but that comment didn't help in the slightest. "You really are an asshole," he scoffed as he pushed Shepard off of him and went for his under armor.

"Hey," Shepard said all smooth and warm like maple syrup straight from the tree as he went to intercept him, grabbing at his hips and pulling their bellies flush together. "I'm sorry," he continued, trying to get Kaidan to meet his eyes. "Bad joke. She's not even my type."

Kaidan had to admit that was good to hear. Not just the apology but also that Shepard didn't want to sleep with a very feminine looking Asari. And those blue eyes looked sincere as hell. "What is your type?" he asked.

"Raven hair, about six foot with a great ass and hung like a fucking Elcor," Shepard grinned, his hands snaking around him to knead at the meat of his ass. 

Kaidan shook his head playfully. "Would you shut up and fuck me then? The Keepers are probably on their way."

"Well," Shepard drawled, gently placing kisses along Kaidan's collarbone, "Turn around so everyone can see that huge cock I was just talking about, and I'll give you what you want."

Kaidan let himself be turned around and pressed back up against the transparent wall, the heat of Shepard's body a stark contrast from the chill of the glass. He heard Shepard spit into his hand and lather up his dick. Yeah, if Shepard didn't start carrying around lube, he definitely would.

Then there was burning as Shepard pushed into his tight channel, the pain just this side of pleasurable as he adjusted to the girth of his CO inch by inch. He gave a slight nod when he was ready and Shepard slowly withdrew before rocking back into him.

"Damn, I need to find a place to fuck you on the ship, Kaidan. Jacking off in the shower thinking about you doesn't do this justice," Shepard admitted, shallow thrusts already driving Kaidan mad with the wanton desire for more.

"You think about me in the shower?"

"Spirits yes! Sometimes I stick my fingers in my ass and pretend it's you inside me like that time in the shower when you fucked the shit out of me, baby," Shepard panted, his hips starting to snap forward with more force with each strike. 

And Kaidan tried not to go all schoolgirl giddy when the man used a pet name for him, but all he could do in lieu of a reply was groan out "fuuuccckkk." 

"You like that? Me fucking my fingers as I think of your cock being buried deep in my tight heat?"

"Yes," he moaned, his head falling forward, back bowing, as he started moving his hips backwards to meet the Commander halfway on every one of his forward thrusts. He had one hand on the glass desperately pushing himself back and further onto John as the other was on the younger man's ass in an attempt to pull him even closer.

"Like the idea of someone walking in on me while I'm chanting your name, up to the knuckles as I pump my fingers in and out of me and come all over myself?"

"John!"

"Call me the first Human Spectre," Shepard growled feral in his ear, the gravely sound making Kaidan's cock twitch as he started to stroke himself.

"Okay," he breathed out.

"Okay, what?"

"Okay, first Human Spectre," he rasped between lungfuls of air, his brain going haywire as Shepard began to pummel his prostate over and over and over again.

The Commander's hands went from firmly digging into Kaidan's hips to hugging his body bruisingly hard to pull him even further onto his thick length. "You want everyone to watch as I come inside your ass, filling you, making you mine, only mine?"

"Yes! Gods, yes!" 

"I bet they're watching us right now, watching my cock disappear into your amazingly tight hole, hearing you ache for me to let you come. The first Human Spectre wrecking your body for anyone else like you've done to me!"

"Shepard, please!"

Shepard rocketed his hips hard and deep into Kaidan as he picked up speed, one of his hands raising to plant in luscious hair to yank Kaidan's head back where he scraped his teeth along his jugular. "Tell me what you want," he demanded. 

"I want you to come inside me, I wanna be yours."

"Is that how you address me?"

"I want the first Human Spectre to fill me up with come....John, please!" Kaidan begged. His whole body was starting to spasm as Shepard slapped his hand away and gripped the base of his cock tightly to hold off his fast approaching orgasm.

"Gonna come inside you and you're gonna walk all the way back to the Normandy with my seed leaking out of your ass with every step, my sticky come'll be running down your legs as you walk by all those people. And they're all watching us right now, gonna watch me fill you up like you want, like you're begging me to do."

"I need it, I need to come!" Kaidan whimpered. 

Shepard loosened his hold and started frantically rubbing Kaidan's cock until they came in sync, the Lieutenant's spent muscles clenching and squeezing around the rigid member inside him while a warmth spread throughout his entire being and pulses of electric signals exploded outwardly from every nerve ending in his body like a choreographed light show. 

They stood there for a few minutes, Kaidan wedged between Shepard and the now dirty glass as his lover kissed along his neck and gingerly drew his fingers over sweaty skin. Shepard's softened cock was still fully seated within him and Kaidan wished they were in a bed somewhere so they could stay cuddled together like that all day. 

"That, uh, that's not my usual style," John quietly said into his hair, and Kaidan thought he could just make out a slight blush on the man's cheeks through his reflection in the glass, but it could've been from the orgasm.

"Just glad I got to be the first to congratulate you on your Spectre appointment," Kaidan sarcastically said, rolling his eyes. That wasn't usually his style either, nothing was with Shepard, but fuck if it wasn't the best sex of his life. 

And apparently John's too. "Shit, baby! That was the best orgasm I ever had. I'm gonna have to talk dirty to you more often," he smirked as they finally broke apart.

"Do you really think anyone saw?" Kaidan nervously asked.

"Naa, the glass is tinted pretty thickly....Were you okay with all that?" 

Kaidan nodded and Shepard ran a hand through the his hair to bring their lips together softly, tracing Kaidan's with his tongue lazily before slipping inside his mouth. His hands cupped John's neck while he tilted his head so the could delve deeper into each other for a scorching kiss that should've continued on for eternity.

"Guess I owe you another eclair," Shepard winked, pulling back as he started sorting through their armor so they could get dressed.

"I think you owe me all of them," Kaidan snickered back.

They got dressed in silence. It was several minutes later before Shepard spoke again, "How many elevators do you think there are on the Citadel?"

"Oh no! No, John...thousands, and we do not have the time!"

"You have to set goals in life, K," Shepard said, smiling that irresistible crooked grin of his. "Can I call you K?"

"I'd rather you didn't."

"K it is!" the Commander laughed as he locked the last of his armor into place, Kaidan following shortly after with another exaggerated eye roll. They exited the elevator and had to squeeze through the crowd that had gathered as they informed them maintenance was on their way to check out the malfunction. 

And if Kaidan was a little paranoid as they walked back to the ship, warm come oozing out of his stretched hole with each step...well, it was totally worth it.


	5. Broken Brains and Broken Noses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan gets a migraine, Ash gets something else, both get a free trip to the med-bay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad news is there isn't a lot of smut in this chapter, but hopefully what is here is hot and dirty enough for you to forgive me. :D It kinda gets plotty. 
> 
> Good news is I think I'm over my block on "Suffocate!"

How Kaidan went from fucking the XO to fucking the CO of the most advanced warship in existence, he wasn't sure. He didn't exactly have enough blood in his brain to think on that at the moment, what with his cock buried deep in said CO's ass as he was bent over the table in the captain's cabin.

He didn't know how that had happened either just that Shepard had said something about going over briefings for their next mission on Therum in his cabin. Of course when he got there, the Commander had to go and say something stupid about it being a _de-briefing_ instead. 

Kaidan countered with a witty remark about him abusing his authority, but by that point he'd already been _de-briefed._ So, he figured that if he was going to be subjected to another round of Spectre Shepard's corny attempts at seduction, the least he could do was enjoy it.

And enjoying it he was because his commanding officer splayed out on a table in front of him with his pants around his ankles and ass presented just for him, a big red mark in the shape of his hand adorning his right ass cheek, was a sight to behold even before the tight walls of John's body began to conform to his dick as he pistoned in and out of him.

The moans alone that he ripped from that man's mouth—the panty, near-breathless way in which John tried and failed to say his name, the jumbled syllables of broken words and pleas for more—contained enough pure poetic perfection to make angels on high weep from their beauty.

The way it felt—the way their bodies were fitted together as one—when Shepard rocked his hips backwards matching Kaidan's thrusts, fucking himself on his thick cock as he yelled "Harder! Gods yes, Kaidan fuck me harder!" would be imprinted on his brain till the day he died. 

Not being one to disobey a direct order, he gave the Commander what he wanted until John let out a whimpering cry of ecstasy as he spilt out on the floor below, Kaidan emptying deep inside his welcoming channel with a muffled grunt, muscles spasming around him as their bodies trembled with their release.

All he'd had the mind to do was kiss along the back of Shepard's salt-laced neck, his fingers vining themselves around John's as they slowly descended down from their tantalizing high. Their moans replaced by deep breaths and gasps as the cool air began to dry the sweat on his brow.

It was a few minutes before his legs were stable enough to hold his weight as he pushed himself up off the Commander's sweat-soaked back he'd collapsed on. He watched as he pulled his cock slowly out of the silken heat it'd been confined to, Shepard's loose hole oozing with his seed when he was completely out.

Before he knew what he was doing, he was on his knees, hands spreading John's cheeks apart while he captured a drop of come with his tongue that had rolled down to Shepard's balls. He traced the path it took back up and began lapping at the glittering mess he'd made of his CO.

The taste of salty musk and sweet strawberry lube was not as unpleasant as he would've expected. He licked his sensitive rim clean before pushing his tongue inside. Shepard began to moan out his name again as he withered above him, body still a boneless heap on the table.

When he'd had his fill, he pulled Shepard up by the back of his shirt and kissed him hard over his shoulder until they were both left breathless, lungs burning like they were filled with liquid magma, dizzying and delicious. 

How was this man so fucking intoxicating?

"Wow, and I thought I was the deviant of this relationship," Shepard chuckled.

 _'Relationship?'_

"You are," Kaidan said dryly. 

"Says the man who just licked his own come and lube out of my asshole," he countered, spinning in Kaidan's arms to smash their lips together again.

Kaidan really had no comeback to that. He could only smirked as Shepard pulled away to redress and adjust his fatigues, Kaidan doing the same beside him.

"Alright, on to that briefing," Shepard said, his face now as serious as Kaidan had ever seen it. He sat down a bit gingerly at the table he'd just been thoroughly fucked on and reached for a datapad like they hadn't just had the best sex of their lives.

*****

"You guys were in there awhile," Ashley said as she strolled over to where Kaidan was refilling his coffee mug in the mess a few hours later.

"Yeah, it was a grueling debriefing," Kaidan replied, mostly successful at keeping a blush at bay

"I just can't seem to get a read on him. Are you sure he's gay?" she asked, an inquisitive quirk in one of her thin brows.

"I'm fairly certain. Why do you ask?"

"Someone said they saw him go into see the Consort, and when he got back to the ship afterwards, he looked...like he was _glowing,"_ she explained, a mischievous smile mostly hidden by her blue Alliance mug.

"Maybe he had just done a little running around on the Citadel. Y'know Spectre business or something like that," Kaidan shrugged, grabbing an energy bar and making his way over to the troubling console he was working on as he hoped they were done with the conversation.

He let out a sigh as Ashley followed him over. "Maybe he just has a thing for Asari. Pretty convenient that our next mission just happens to be centered around rescuing one," she continued. "And you know that Asari are _very_ feminine, so it's not a stretch that he's attracted to women."

"And your point?" Kaidan said, setting down his coffee and energy bar to pick up a pair of pliers. 

"I might have a chance with him after all. Can you imaging dating the First Human Spectre...well, maybe just sleeping with him?" she smirked to herself as she shot a wink to Kaidan who was bending down to removed some panelling.

 _I can imagine it real well,_ he thought. "You'd risk your career to sleep with your CO?" he asked.

"For the First Human Spectre? For that ass alone? Hell yes," she snickered. "Wouldn't you?"

Luckily he was saved from having to answer that by the man in question. "Williams, I need your help down in the armory," Shepard said. 

"Aye, sir," she replied before whispering a salacious _"Coming Commander,"_ back to Kaidan. He watched her sashay her hips over to where Shepard was waiting for her, but it didn't look like he even noticed, his eyes focused on a datapad in his hand. 

He looked up briefly at Kaidan over the datapad as Ashley approached, their eyes meeting in a short yet smoldering gaze that very nearly took his breath away. Shepard broke eye contact and turned to walk with Ashley to the elevator, and was that a little sway in his step as well?

*****

Therum was hot. Kaidan didn't like hot. He was Canadian for pete's sake and a biotic to boot. He was hot enough with all the dark energy swirling around his body. Yes, he definitely preferred the cold. 

He also didn't like _Dr. T'Soni_....

Her blue tentacled head getting inside Shepard's to root around. Who knew what kind of mind control devices or seductive suggestions she planted in that tiny brain of his. Sure, she was smart and quite pretty, but he had enough competition with Ash, he didn't need an Asari to contend with as well.

Then again, Shepard did pass up a shot with the very sought after Consort. Of course, sleeping with what in layman's terms was a prostitute was much different than sleeping with someone you actually knew personally...or would soon get to know because she was now a crew member on your ship.

_'Embrace eternity' my ass!_

After their 'joining,' Shepard dismissed the crew from the briefing room. It was just in time for a wicked migraine to start settling in behind Kaidan's eyes. He knew he should've taken it easy with his biotics to compensate for the heat of the planet, but Ash kept showing off in an attempt to get Shepard's attention and he wasn't about to let her outshine him.

He made his way down the stairs and went straight to the med-bay to ask Dr. Chakwas for some meds in an attempt to curb some of the pain building in his head. His stomach wasn't feeling up to eating, but he knew he needed calories. 

Ashley, Garrus, and Joker were already seated at the mess table when he walked in. He grabbed an energy drink and some crackers and went over to join them. They were discussing the new arrival when he sat down. He half-listened as he ate a few crackers, but it wasn't long before he had to make an emergency trip to the head.

Retching into the toilet for ten minutes did nothing but make his head pound even more. The light was starting to get to him too as he made his way back to the med-bay. He'd need another does of meds, and if he was lucky, the doc would give him something for the nausea. 

"Oh my, Lieutenant. You look quite pale," Dr. Chakwas said as he entered the room. "Why don't you lie down on one of the exam tables and I'll start you on some fluids," she frowned.

"Just threw up my meds," he said, walking over to the closest table. He climbed up and laid down. There was a pinch from where the doc started an iv, and as soon as the pain had dulled enough that he could sleep, he dozed off.

***

He was woken up a while later when Dr. T'Soni and Shepard walked in the med-bay, their volume dropping off to a whisper as they passed by. He couldn't make out what they were saying and didn't have the energy to eavesdrop. He cracked his eyes open just enough to see them walk into a room in the back.

It must've been sometime during the night cycle because the lights were dimmed, something he was very thankful for. His head was still pounding and he thought about getting up and making his way to his bunk in the officer's quarters, but he wasn't quite sure he could handle the trek or the sound of Joker snoring all night.

Just as he was starting to nod off once again, he heard the swoosh of a door and footsteps walking by. He heard Shepard whispering to someone who wasn't Dr. Chakwas. It was probably Gladstone, the night medic. Then there was another swoosh of the door and footsteps approaching the exam table.

"Hey," Shepard whispered to him as he stood over him. "How are you feeling?"

"Like an eezo core is being detonated in my skull," Kaidan moaned his reply, not daring to open his eyes again even in the low light.

He felt Shepard's hand close around his, a thumb tenderly caressing the flat of his palm. "Anything I can do?" Shepard asked, his other hand moving to softly comb through his thick black hair.

"Not much to be done...just need sleep," Kaidan said.

"Are you comfortable? Do you need another pillow or a blanket?"

"N-no, I'm fine," he muttered.

"I sent Gladstone to get you some tea. Think you'll be able to keep it down?"

"Mhmm," Kaidan practically purred as Shepard's hand continued to card through his hair. His head still hurt like crazy, but Shepard was making the pain a lot easier to tolerate.

"I'm going to grab a bite in the mess while I do some paperwork. Let me know if you need anything: some more tea, a bowl of oatmeal...my cock," he teased, his voice sweet and warm despite his crude joke, and Kaidan wanted to crawl right inside it and never leave. At least not until his migraine went away.

The next thing he knew, Shepard's lips were on his, a fleeting kiss that was over before he realized what had happened. The door swooshed open right after and his bed was being raised so he could sip his tea. 

Shepard exchanged a few words with Gladstone and left. Kaidan quickly finished his tea and laid back down to get some more sleep.

***

He woke up the next morning when Dr. Chakwas came in to check on him. They were both relieved that his migraine had lessened to a dull ache. After taking what he hoped would be his last dose of meds for awhile, he walked out of the infirmary just as the lights were starting to cycle back on.

He almost stopped dead in his track when he saw Shepard bent over the table drooling on a datapad. There was a mug of what was most likely cold coffee nearby and his half-eaten tray of food pushed to the side. 

While he was momentarily caught up in trying to figure out how Shepard had fallen asleep at the table, Ash had made her way over, her hand slithering up the Commander's back as she leaned down to whisper something in his ear. Shepard jolted awake and Kaidan hurried down the corridor ignoring the commotion behind him, desperately trying to keep his jealousy in check.

He grabbed a change of clothes and went to the head to take a quick shower. Once toweled off and dressed in a fresh pair of fatigues, he hit the mess hall. His stomach was rumbling and he knew he had to make up some calories from the day before. Plus coffee. Lots of coffee.

Joker and Wrex were sitting at the table shoveling food into their mouths between snickers. "Hey Alenko, did you hear what happened to Williams?" Joker chuckled.

"Uh, no," he replied, sitting down his tray.

"She startled Shepard this morning and he accidentally broke her nose," the helmsman said, a full blown belly laugh probably threatening to break a rib or two. 

Kaidan had peeked through the med-bay doors when someone walked out and saw Ash laying on the exam table he had slept on all night. "Is she okay?"

"Yeah, she's tough, she'll be fine. Shepard said she snuck up on him when he fell asleep at the table here, I guess to wake him up, and he reared back and headbutted her good. He was apologizing and escorting her to the infirmary when I came in," he explained.

"Never would've let her get that close if it were me," Wrex sneered.

"If it were you, her nose would be the least of her worries. Her skull would've been caved in," Joker said dryly.

"Heh, yeah," Wrex agreed.

Kaidan quickly finished breakfast and went to check on her. He felt bad that she'd been hurt. He wasn't exactly sure if what him and Shepard were doing was supposed to be exclusive, but jealousy was no reason for him to be rude. She'd been nothing but nice to him since she came aboard, and he was beginning to see her as a friend.

"Are you alright?" he asked when he walked in?

"Oh this? I've been meaning to get a new nose for awhile now," Ashley quipped, her voice a little low and nasally.

"What happened?"

"Don't ever stand behind Shepard. I went to wake him up and he broke my nose," she groaned. "Got me a date out of it, though."

Kaidan swallowed down the bile burning his esophagus. "A date?"

"Yep, Shep offered to take me out for a drink when we get back to the Citadel," she grinned. "'Bout time, huh? I've only been waiting weeks for him to ask," she excitedly said. "My nose is sore, but it's worth it!"

"Yeah...well, I should get to work," Kaidan said as he turned and rushed out of the room. 

He went over to his station and spent the rest of the day sulking as he wondered when Shepard would break things off with him. Was there anything to break off? Probably not. He was sure it was just sex to Shepard, he wouldn't want to keep sleeping with him when he had Ash. 

Well, Kaidan would just have to break things off first. He wasn't about to get dumped for someone else.


	6. Feros

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know what's missing on Feros?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Porn. I fixed it. :D

Feros was a mess when they arrived. Shepard had decided to take Liara with him on the mission to assess her combat skills. He hoped it wasn't part of her seduction technique. Somehow Ash had weaseled her was onto the ground team as well and Kaidan was relegated to staying aboard, much to his chagrin.

They were probably hoping to rope Shepard into a threesome with them. How could he resist two beautiful women throwing themselves at him at the same time? One was constantly batting her lashes at him, which was starting to make Kaidan think she had some sort of ocular disease, the other was following the Commander around like a puppy playing up the damsel in distress cliché.

Tali's crush was obvious as well, but she lacked the confidence that Williams had and the forwardness that Liara had due to her young age, he postulated. So unless Shepard liked the shyer ones, he wasn't too concerned there. Tali was sweet, though, he'd admit. But if the Commander was looking for a quick lay, it wouldn't be with her.

Maybe Kaidan was being too harsh on them. The Commander was hot. Hell, half the galaxy had eyes for the first human Specter, so he couldn't fault them for trying to knock boots with him. Well...he wouldn't've if it hadn't been for the fact that they were trying to move in on his territory, his unclaimed territory. 

Or soon to be ex-territory, he'd decided. He hadn't gotten a chance to break it off with him yet, whatever _it_ was. He'd tried talking to him several times, but each time he'd ended up naked with something in his mouth be it Shepard's fingers, tongue, or cock. It wasn't his fault the man was so damn irresistible. He really blamed Shepard.

And to make matters worse, the Commander had to go and find himself another Asari, albeit a green one, to add to his growing 'harem.' When Kaidan was finally allowed to leave the ship to help give medical aid to the colony survivors, the first thing he saw was all four of them following Shepard around as he talked to a few survivors.

He tried not to pay them any attention, but that was the absolute last straw. Next time he had a moment alone with Shepard, he was breaking things off. And no matter what, he wouldn't let himself succumb to the man's wicked charms. He couldn't afford to. 

He already felt like he was in too deep, too invested, from the simple fact that he was jealous to begin with. That implied that there was something to be jealous of, something he was scared would be taken away from him. Which meant it was past time to end it, so he told himself.

The sex was great, amazing really, but he knew all about extended 'dry spells.' He was a marine, he'd been stationed on ships for years, he knew how to handle not getting laid for months, maybe a year or two at a time. It wasn't exactly ideal but it was doable.

It might be hard at first knowing how mind-blowing the sex could be with Shepard, but he'd get over it. Maybe he could find a nice person on shore leave to take his mind off Shepard, off his damn CO that he shouldn't be fucking in the first place.

Spirits, this was already a mess....

***

Kaidan spent the next hour attending to patients and trying not to return the looks he felt Shepard giving him, scorching like incendiary amor burning right through his armor. He was mostly successful with that, but just as he finished dressing his last wound, he turned to find the Commander standing a foot behind him. He could almost feel his breath on his face.

"Alenko, with me," Shepard said, his tone neutral, his expression stone. 

Kaidan sighed but followed after him. Maybe he'd get a chance to finally talk to him now that everything had calmed down with the colony. They walked in silence down into what felt like a labyrinth of tunnels until Shepard came to an abrupt stop and spun around, his 'I'm going to ravage you smirk' on his lips.

He launched himself towards Kaidan but the Lieutenant held him at arms length and turned his head at the last minute. Shepard's lips landed on his cheek, and he briefly rested his forehead on Kaidan's temple before pulling away and pining Kaidan with a confused look. 

"What's wrong? No one's coming down here if that's what you're worried about," Shepard tried to reassure him.

"Look Shepard...."

"Well, that can't be good," he said, his expression hardening in anticipation of bad news.

"I know we haven't set any kind of rules here, so I'm not mad, but I'm just not big on sharing. So if you want to keep sleeping with them, then we're gonna have to stop. I'm sure you can find someone else who'd be more suitable to whatever kind of arrangement we have," Kaidan muttered, refusing to look at Shepard for fear he'd lose the smidgen of resolve he had managed to build up on their trek.

He took a step back, but Shepard pulled him in closer. "What are you talking about? Sleeping with who?" he asked, and Kaidan chanced a quick glance, the Commander looking perplexed as he stared at him.

"Liara and Williams and whoever else you might be fucking on the ship. I know the Turians are okay with that sort of thing and maybe because you're a Spectre now you think it's okay, but that's not what I'm looking for," Kaidan said, freeing himself from Shepard's grip. 

"Wait...you think I'm sleeping with Liara _and_ Williams?" he asked with a chuckle.

"Aren't you?" Kaidan hissed, and he hated the way he sounded, so jealous and insecure. And he hated the way Shepard sounded, so carefree and confident. 

"How could I when you wear my ass out, quite literally so, any chance you get?" he quipped, crossing his arms over his chest and shifting his weight onto one foot. "I mean I'm good, but I'm still just one man." 

"So you aren't...?"

"I'm a one _man_ kind of man. Spirits, I know I'm kind of laid back and shit, but that's not what I'm about, Kaidan. You really thought that about me?" Shepard asked, a look of hurt flashing across his face.

"I don't know, it's not like we talked about being exclusive or, hell, preferences or anything," he replied. And now he felt like a huge ass for misjudging him.

"That explains why you'd been acting weird lately," the Commander said, his voice going soft and gentle as he pulled Kaidan back against him, their armor clinking as they came into contact with each other. "And for the record, I'm not sleeping with anyone but you."

"Neither am I."

"Well, now that that's settled...shall we get back to the reason I brought you down here?" Shepard teased, that sexy smirk of his coming back in full force.

"And why was that?" Kaidan asked, his voice going syrupy smooth as Shepard's eyes fell to his lips. He much preferred the way they sounded in that moment.

"Thought we could make everybody else jealous for a change," he replied with a wink. "Was hoping to use that elevator in there, but I couldn't find a stop button," he pouted.

Kaidan snorted as he shook his head in mild disapproval. "What is with your obsession with elevators?"

"It's kind of our thing, isn't it?" Shepard snickered. 

"So, what? You're going to take me around the galaxy fucking me in every elevator we come to?"

"You mean _come in,_ and sure, why not? Of course with that ass, I'll fuck you anywhere I can," he cooed. 

Kaidan wasted no time pressing his lips to Shepard's after that. He felt the Commander smile against him and returned it, relishing a lazy swipe of his tongue over Shepard's bottom lip before capturing it between his teeth and tugging it with him. It snapped back into place when he released, red and shiny from his saliva. 

He looked into Shepard's eyes, his pupils exploding until his irises were nothing but a thin ring of blue around the rim. Then, fingers were tangling in his hair and Shepard's mouth was on his again, lips enclosing over his, Shepard's tongue dipping inside to dance with his own as he maneuvered them around until Kaidan's back hit a nearby wall.

Kaidan's cock began to swell and strain against the plates of his armor, the bulky shell offering no kind of friction whatsoever. He started fumbling for the latches at his groin plate looking for relief, Shepard doing the same to his own until they were able to take each other in hand.

He hissed in pleasure when Shepard thumbed his slit, pre-come pooling at the tip as he kissed down his neck. His body shivered as Shepard smeared the silky beads down his shaft and started to stroke him slowly. Kaidan had mirrored everything he did, fingers curving around the Commander's cock and earning himself a soft moan when he gave a twist at the head.

"How about I mark you, let everyone know you're mine?" Shepard purred in his ear, the heat of his breath flowing like salacious waves over Kaidan's whole being.

Gods he wished they were out of their armor. He wanted to feel Shepard's skin against his, wanted those marks—love bites and bruises—all over his body, fingernails dragging down the curve of his spine, teeth raking over his collarbone.

"You're the one that needs to be claimed," Kaidan lectured, his grip on Shepard's dick tightening and squeezing, the pulsing member twitching in his hand. He didn't miss the sharp intake of breath or the shudder that crippled the Commander's body as he did so.

And he knew he had the man right where he wanted him, falling apart in his hand. Their moans and pants increased with every stroke until the Commander pulled away—his eyes glossy and half-lidded—and dropped to his knees. He took Kaidan into his mouth without hesitation and swallowed as much as he could, doing his best to work around the cumbersome armor.

Kaidan's hands flew to the back of John's head encouraging him to go faster and harder and deeper along his shaft, fucking his mouth maybe a little out of spite for all the jealousy the man had inflicted on him. He wasn't totally sold that some of it hadn't been done with purpose. 

Kaidan tried his best to watch him, to keep his eyes locked on the black hollows of Shepard's eyes, but his head fluttered back as his orgasm hit him like a headbutt from a Krogan, so violently that his amp flared. Shepard was the only one who'd ever been able to do that to him with just his mouth. But damn that bewitching tongue of his!

Shepard pulled off him and let out a groan as he came on the floor, splattering come in an abstract pattern in the dirt like one of those images on an inkblot test. He gave a few cleansing laps on Kaidan's now flaccid penis before tucking him back into his armor and doing the same to himself.

He wore the smuggest smile when he stood up that had Kaidan rolling his eyes, but when Shepard planted the biggest kiss on his still swollen lips, he melted right into him like putty in his hand. 

"You're kinda hot when you're jealous," Shepard teased after they'd caught their breath.

Kaidan scoffed and pushed him away. 

"First of all, that was a compliment, so you're welcome. Secondly, I'm the one that should be jealous here," the Commander continued. 

"You've been traipsing around with two Asari and the Chief hot on your trail all day, and _you're_ supposed to be the jealous one? How do you figure?" Kaidan challenged, crossing his arms with a dramatic tilt of his head. 

Shepard gave him a mirthful laugh. "Ash doesn't like me, she likes you, you oblivious idiot! Joker said she's been trying to make you jealous since she came aboard but you hadn't noticed. Probably because you've been far too busy staring at my ass," he winked. "And as far as Liara is concerned, she's more interested in dissecting my brain than riding my cock, so you're all clear there too." 

Kaidan's brow furrowed as he tried to digest the new information. Well, now it made sense why Ash was always hanging around his console. He thought she was just fishing for information about Shepard or trying to be friendly, but it could've been an excuse to talk to him. Great, now things were going to be awkward with her.

"Bullshit," Kaidan replied, but even he wasn't convinced with the way his voice wavered.

Shepard pulled him against him. "Someone told her I was gay and she gave up on me pretty quickly," Shepard said, eyeing him with thinly veiled suspicion.

"Well, it's true, isn't it?"

Shepard gave a shallow nod, a slight twist of his lips catching Kaidan's attention before he looked back up into the returning azure of his eyes. There was a warmth in them that hadn't been there before, but Kaidan didn't get a chance to study it completely as Shepard's lips descended upon his once again, a languid kiss leaving him out of breath when they broke apart. 

"Now, Tali, on the other hand," Shepard smirked with a suggestive wiggle of his brow that Kaidan knew was only done to provoke him. "What do you think she looks like under that suit?"

"You're an asshole," Kaidan grumbled, but the fiery kiss he gave Shepard after negated all the bite in his words.

He was falling in love. 

Maybe Shepard was too, but he was absolutely, undeniably, inexplicably, falling in love with John Shepard. 

He was so fucked.


	7. Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard's relationship evolves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me awhile to get through. Apparently I'm terrible at writing sweet, loving smut scenes. But [Cereith](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Cereith/pseuds/Cereith) assured me this was lovely, and who am I to argue? Enjoy!

Kaidan wasn’t sure how he had gotten back to the ship the previous night. He was out with the crew having a few drinks when the noise and strobe lights from the club triggered a migraine. Everything after that was a hazy blur of stumbling and nosebleeds.

His head was still pounding, but he was happy to be in an actual bed for once instead of the claustrophobic sleeper pods. But what surprised him was that he wasn’t in the med-bay like he was expecting to be. He was lying on his side in nothing but his underwear, his face smashed against Shepard’s chest as he held him close.

He must’ve woken him when he moved because Shepard let out a sleepy yawn and pulled back to fix him with bleary blue eyes. “How are you feeling?” he asked, running a hand through Kaidan’s hair. He almost let out a purr at that, it felt so good.

Kaidan was thankful he spoke at a whisper but he burrowed further into Shepard’s breast as he attempted to block out the low lights being jabbed like knives into his eye sockets. “Head hurts.”

“Go back to sleep; it’s still early,” Shepard said, his soothing words and gentle fingers lulling him back under.

*****

The next time he woke up, John was sprawled out on his back and Kaidan was snuggled up to his side. There was still a lingering dull pain in his head, but he felt so much better. He knew the rest of the discomfort would subside in a matter of hours.

Kaidan had also been feeling more confident about things between him and Shepard after their little talk on Feros. Depending on how long they slept, they may’ve been on their way to Noveria. They were only scheduled two days on the Citadel and the first was spent in debriefs and undergoing a surprise Alliance inspection.

He wondered what that Admiral would have to say about a Lieutenant sleeping in his Commander’s bed. Kaidan held back a chuckle at the thought, but it made him realize that it was in fact his first time in Shepard’s bed. All their previous times together had been up against walls and on desks and table.

Shepard looked different in a bed, more at peace, almost tranquil as he slept away. He was amazing on the battlefield and when he was putting Councilors in their place, but Kaidan had to admit that he liked this side of him the best so far. 

Shepard’s petal-soft lips were parted slightly, a low humming snore rattling around in his chest; his neck was elongate and exposed, bare chest rising and falling rhythmically, and that diamond edged jaw was as sharp as ever. He wanted to let him sleep, but the breathtaking view had his temperature skyrocketing.

He kissed Shepard’s collarbone, a soft press of lips, then moved over to his pulse point. The Commander began to stir at that, letting out a satisfied moan, a hand moving up to tangle in Kaidan’s hair. “Morning,” he said before turning just right to capture Kaidan’s lips in a sweet kiss.

“Probably not anymore,” Kaidan said, moving back to nuzzle along Shepard’s neck, branding him with more kisses, his hand moving along a chest now out of sync from stuttered breaths as Kaidan kissed and nipped at his delicate skin.

“How are you feeling now?” Shepard asked with a low laugh seeming to already know the answer. 

“Better....thanks....for asking.” Kaidan’s voice was muffled against John’s skin, but fingers under his chin had him turning his head so they could kiss again, a little more heat and brimming with emotions both novel and familiar.

Kaidan rolled on top of him, the feel of Shepard’s erection growing between them spurring on his own. 

“Are you sure you’re up for this?” Shepard asked. The look of concern in his eyes had Kaidan practically melting. 

The man had a good poker face, one Kaidan was just starting to be able to navigate with any kind of success, but he’d never looked more human, more raw and exposed, a live wire camouflaged behind icy blue eyes piercing right through Kaidan’s chest. 

Gods, he was so fucked. 

“Yes, I’m alright...just as long as we kind of go slow,” Kaidan said, biting into his lip and hoping Shepard would be okay with that. Their previous encounters, while amazingly good, were mostly hard and heavy. That was all fine and dandy, but what was the harm in changing things up?

Shepard ran his hands up and down Kaidan’s back, an affectionate gesture that had Kaidan’s eyes threatening to roll back in his head. Those hands could kill, he’d seen it up close, but they were so tender on him that he almost couldn’t believe they belonged to the same man that defended a whole colony from Batarians practically single-handedly.

“Don’t know if I’d be up for anything else, but I won’t complain about a small hangover when you’ve just went through hell with a migraine,” Shepard said. He smiled softly up at him and Kaidan leaned down to pressed their lips together.

Even the kisses were different somehow and Kaidan had the strangest feeling that whatever it was that was about to happen would was sure to be some kind of turning point in their relationship; moving from all-consuming lust into something much more intimate.

There was something thrilling about that idea and something equally terrifying.

Shepard helped him out of his boxer briefs, a favor he returned, and they settled into a round of languid kisses and wandering caresses. After several moments of exploring each other’s bodies for longer than their usually two minutes of foreplay, Kaidan reached into the night stand for the lube he knew Shepard kept there.

“You want me to—”

“No, I got it,” Kaidan said. He wanted to run the show. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Shepard to be easy in their current state, but because he didn’t want to chance setting back his recovery time with a new mission coming up soon.

They went back to kissing, an indulgent slide of lips and the occasional swipe of a tongue, while he made quick work of stretching himself open. Shepard’s hands were all over him like flies to honey swarming and mapping every inch of him. He knew he’d never get enough of them, and maybe Shepard’s hands couldn’t get enough of him either.

He gave a few tugs on John’s cock to lube him up, the heavy member standing at attention and eager for him to take. And take he did, pushing himself up on his knees so he could sink down onto him, bodies fitting together as the welcoming ache of being filled morphed into blissful pleasure.

He was losing himself in Shepard, and not just because of the stress relief their little ‘arrangement’ had warranted him, nor the fact that he was the First Human Spectre. It was about the man behind the image, the man who made him feel human for the first time in ages, the man who lit a burning ember in his chest that he was having trouble extinguishing. 

How could he when Shepard was looking up at him like that? His lips were slightly parted, eyes half-lidded with pupils blown wide from arousal. The man’s hands were lax on his hips, a thumb sweeping over his hipbone. 

Kaidan gripped his wrists and gave him a small smile that was returned before he began to rock their bodies together. For once, they had time and he was determined to savor it: the look on John’s face, the way he felt underneath him, the little hiccups in his breathing every time he moved or angled his body just right.

He moved his hands up the length of Shepard’s rippling arms passed strong shoulders to cup his cheeks. He leaned over for a scorching kiss, Shepard’s hands fluttering over his back before cementing in his hair to lock their lips together.

He swallowed down Kaidan’s moans as he began to drive his cock into him from below. But it wasn’t long after before he had them flipped over. He secured Kaidan’s legs around him and picked up the same leisurely pace while peppering his face and neck with a thousand reverent kisses. 

“You taste good,” Shepard mumbled against his neck before he pinched a sliver of skin between his teeth.

“Hey! No marks!” Kaidan chided. That was the last thing they needed. He wasn’t anywhere near ready to receive a dishonorable discharge, and just because he knew he was starting to fall for the man didn’t mean he was ready to admit it to the crew or the rest of the galaxy or even himself.

Shepard kissed the mark before moving on to his lips, giving Kaidan’s bottom one a nibble as he pulled back with a smug grin. But Kaidan pulled him down again as Shepard began to thrust harder into him, increasing the force but maintaining the same teasingly slow pace.

Their foreheads were pressed together, lips close to touching as they volleyed the same breath back and forth. Shepard reached between them and took ahold of his shaft, gentle fingers curled around his cock like they were made for him, each stroke sending bursts of electricity dancing over his skin.

Or maybe that was just the hum of his biotics.

Shepard let out a murmur against his lips that sounded a lot like “Gods, you’re so beautiful,” but it was so quiet that Kaidan couldn’t be sure. It could’ve been “Gods are useful,” for all he knew. No one had ever called him beautiful before. And even if Shepard had, it was just pillow talk, things said in the heat of the moment that were to be taken with a grain of salt.

But the next thing Shepard said was unmistakable because it was both above a whisper and rasped directly into his ear. “Mmm come for me, baby.”

A pet name was the last thing he was expecting from his Commander and he all but froze at the word. Thank the spirits Shepard was doing most of the work at the time because he was sure that was the only reason the man hadn’t noticed the momentary freak-out going on in his brain.

He wasn’t going to overanalyze it; it was simply another heat of the moment thing. They had been sleeping together for a little over a month, and perhaps Shepard liked to give all his lovers affectionate names. That thought led to him questioning how many other people Shepard called ‘baby’ when he was balls deep inside them.

“Hey, where’d you go?” Shepard asked, carding a hand through his hair as he stilled his hips.

“Sorry...it was just...you called me ‘baby,’ ” Kaidan said. He swore Shepard blushed at that, but it could’ve been his flushed skin from exertion.

“Did I?”

“Yeah.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Shepard asked as he nosed his way down to Kaidan’s collarbone. He ran his tongue along the protrusion before kissing a path back up the column of his neck. 

“Guess not,” Kaidan chuckled, throwing his arms around Shepard’s back and pulling him in for a heated kiss. “It was just a surprise was all.” He decided to leave out the part where he had started overthinking things. 

“That’s okay, _baby,_ ” he grinned wide. 

When Shepard pulled back and sat up, Kaidan was only mildly panicked that he’d screwed everything up, but Shepard took his hands and pulled him up as well. He straddled Shepard’s now-outstretched legs and slid back down his cock with ease, arms hanging loose around his neck.

“Gonna come for me now?” Shepard teased, “Or do you need me to call you something else, honey?”

“Okay, now you’re just being an ass,” Kaidan groaned, rolling his eyes as he started rolling his hips. That shut Shepard up, but he couldn’t say he minded pet names.

The whole going slow aspect took a little bit of a backseat after that as he began to raise himself up only to impale himself on Shepard’s thick length. He could feel fingers start to dig into his ass with the new pace, his cock bouncing between them, precum leaking from the tip. 

“Gonna come for me now, baby?” Shepard panted. He didn’t wait for an answer, instead crushing his lips into Kaidan’s, a hand sneaking down to wrap around him once more. 

A few more grunts and a few more twists on the head of his cock and he came in Shepard’s fingers, his head thrown back as he breathed out the Commander’s name. He felt Shepard empty within him soon after with a litany of curses mixed with a ‘baby’ or two.

When he regained his senses, John’s forehead was resting on his shoulder, warm breath ghosting down his chest. He rubbed his stubble against the fuzz on Shepard’s head then kissed along his jawline until their lips met. Their breathing had evened out a little by the time they pulled apart, but the look in Shepard’s eyes took his breath away all the same.

Was Shepard falling for him too?

Before he had a chance to identify everything glittering in those blue orbs, they got caught up in another round of kissing that ranged from smiling pecks to getting lost in a mess of deep, searing lips and tongues as they tangoed together.

Eventually, Shepard cleaned them up, and they found themselves cuddling under scratchy military sheets. He had ended up as the little spoon, but he couldn’t say he minded too much about that. There were worst places to be than wrapped in some pretty spectacular arms.

“How’s your head?” Shepard asked, kissing his temple. 

“Better,” Kaidan said, lightly dragging his fingers up and down the forearms holding him in place. “Thanks for bringing me back last night.”

“Can’t say I minded you rubbing up against me the whole way,” he chuckled.

Kaidan couldn’t say he minded that either, or the fact that Shepard couldn’t seem to keep his lips off him as he kissed down his neck. “We should probably get up, huh? Ship to run, galaxy to save.”

Shepard squeezed him tighter, “Maybe in a minute....” 

A minute turned into an hour later when they were interrupted mid-thrust by Joker’s announcement that they were an hour out from Noveria. 

“Is your ass good to go, Lieutenant?” Shepard teased as they threw their clothes on.

“Shouldn’t you be asking about my head?” Kaidan asked.

“Alright, is your head good to go?”

Kaidan rolled his eyes as he buttoned up his shirt, “Yes, thanks for asking.”

“Don’t worry about your ass, baby, I’ll take real good care of it later,” Shepard smirked.

“Is that a promise?” Kaidan asked with a coy smile.

“Absolutely; one I very much intend to keep,” he winked as they shared one last peck on the lips before making their exit.


	8. I Don't Want To Build A Snowman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan wants to build a snowman on Noveria. It doesn't work out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did someone say Kaidan porn week? 
> 
> The muse for this attacked me last night and I had to get it out. Partly inspired by a prompt for Mako sex I've always wanted to do, and also the fact that Noveria is my favorite and I have major headcanons for Shepard taking Kaidan out in the snow and them having fun before banging like bunnies.

Noveria was cold as fuck, but Kaidan felt like he was in heaven—or Canada—especially with all the white snow on the ground. Killing Liara’s mother had not been ideal, but they did what had to be done any way they could. Shepard had taken Liara and Garrus on the mission, but they had some downtime after as they kept the peace until officials from the Council could arrive to clean up the disaster Anoleis left.

The blizzard had blown through leaving things pretty snowed in around the main hub. Kaidan had been itching to get out in it and get his mittens wet, so to speak, but his duties had confined him mostly to the ship.

Shepard had made a crack about taking Kaidan out on a date when he had the chance after he hinted that he was going a little stir crazy and wanted to build a snowman, but the Lieutenant brushed him off. He wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about the way things were progressing with Shepard and he wanted a little time to figure things out.

Of course, the opposite ended up happening when Shepard decided to take him with him when he went back up to Peak 15 with a load of supplies for the security detail. Making it there had been the easy part, but coming back down the mountain proved to be a little more _challenging._

The Mako had taken a few hits by a Colossus on their mission that Garrus hadn’t gotten a chance to repair. They were halfway down when the engine stalled. Him and Shepard both tried to make a quick fix to get them the rest of the way, but they had blown some sort of seal and the thing would have to be towed.

“Joker?” Shepard radioed to the helmsman. “The Mako is down. I’m going to need Garrus to find a vehicle that can tow us back to the administration building.”

 _“Roger that, Commander. It might be a little while, he’s handling some sort of dispute between a Hanar and a Krogan,”_ Joker relayed.

“Dammit, Opold! I told that stupid jelly I would take care of it,” the Commander grumbled mostly to himself. He turned towards Kaidan and raised a questioning brow at him when he snickered. “What are you laughing at, LT?”

“Nothing sir,” he chuckled, trying to hold back his amusement at Shepard’s frustration.

“Thanks Joker, let me know when you have an ETA.”

_“Aye, Commander, Normandy out.”_

Kaidan stopped trying to mask his laughter once the comms went dead. Shepard rolled his eyes as he shook his head in mock disapproval, “Why don’t you get out and make your damn snowman while you have the chance.”

Kaidan held up his hands in placation and got out of the tank. He had taken off the upper part of his armor after they had dropped off the supplies and had slipped into a sweater his mother had packed for him. It was one of his favorites, red with different sized white stripes running horizontally over the breast.

He went over to the embankment that had nice powdery snow that hadn’t been compacted by traffic and went to work on the base for his snowman. It didn’t take that long before he had a decent sized bottom that he had situated where he wanted it to stand. When he bent over to grab some snow to start the middle section, he heard Shepard let out an obscene little moan.

He turned slightly to the side enough to see Shepard without straightening up. “Like what you see, Commander?” he flirted with a cocky little grin.

“If you shake that ass at me one more time, Lieutenant, my groin plate is going to split in two,” Shepard said with a predatory growl.

Kaidan went back to packing the little ball of snow after tossing an innocent, “I don’t know what you mean, sir,” over his shoulder. But then he stood up and turned, firing the snowball straight at Shepard’s chest. It hit the him at center mass.

Shepard had taken off his upper chest plates as well and was leaning against the Mako, his unzipped hoodie offering no protection whatsoever against the snowball. The ball broke apart on impact, and when powder made its way down into the lower section of his armor, he howled the word ‘cold’ several times in a comically high pitched voice. Kaidan just about doubled over as he watched the man try to dig the snow out of his suit.

“Oh that is it, Alenko! That ass is mine!” Shepard hollered as he charged headlong at him. He veered off to the side and got busy making his own snowballs, and the two took turns firing them at each other as they ran around the Mako.

“Do you really think you have a chance, spacer boy?” Kaidan taunted as he ducked a ball aimed at his head. “I was winning snowball fights while I was still in diapers. I'm a master at this.”

“I’m always up for a challenge, K. Don't underestimate me, I am an N7 after all,” John reminded him as he dodged one of Kaidan’s throws. “Besides, it’s going to make my victory that much sweeter to defeat a pro.”

“Have you even seen snow before this, John?”

“I have, thank you very much…twice,” Shepard informed him as he clipped Kaidan in the shoulder. While he was doing a little victory dance, Kaidan snuck around the backside of the Mako and nailed Shepard in his own backside.

“Yes! Victory is mine!” he boasted in triumph.

Shepard's lips pursed into a pout as he crossed his arm over his chest, “ I demand a rematch.”

“I might just take you up on that…sir,” Kaidan said, his voice going syrupy sweet. “Maybe next time we’ll set us up a little wager. Winner gets head, perhaps?”

“Who says we have to wait till next time?” Shepard countered, closing the distance between them and threading a hand through Kaidan’s hair. He melted when Shepard’s heated breath wafted over his lips before they made contact for a kiss that warmed him from the inside out. Shepard pulled away and motioned to the Mako, “How about we take this inside?” 

Kaidan made a beeline for the closest backdoor, all thoughts of building a snowman lost as his blood moved onto more important tasks like churning through his cock as it began to press uncomfortably against his hard shell. That’s when he understood what Shepard had meant about splitting armor.

Shepard was already unlatching buckles on Kaidan’s armor before he had climbed all the way inside. He followed him in and helped to free him from the cumbersome armor, but when Kaidan went to pull off his sweater, Shepard grabbed the hem.

“No, leave it on,” he ordered as he shook his head.

Kaidan smirked and humored him. He helped John out of his armor as well before sprawling out on the roomy backseat. He watched, eyes hooded as he bit his lip with a seductive smile, while Shepard shucked out of his skintight under armor.

They were on the brink of diving back into another kiss when Joker commed. Shepard groused in annoyance but squeezed between the front seats to flip the switch on the comms. Kaidan couldn't help but smack his bare ass as he did so and received a dark look for it in return that did nothing but cause his cock to twitch with need.

“This is Shepard. Do you have an ETA Garrus?”

 _“Not an exact one,”_ Joker replied in his usual dry manner. _“He said around twenty minutes.”_

“Then what do you want?”

Joker must’ve picked up on his impatient tone because he spit out the rest of his message quickly. _“The Council’s officials have docked and requested a meeting with you on your return. I told them you were running supplies, but they are the usual stuckup diplomats and are starting to be real dickish about it.”_

“You tell them to go fuck themselves, Joker. I’m busy trying to save the damn galaxy here!” the Spectre snapped.

_“Aye, aye, sir.”_

Shepard let out an exasperated sigh as he moved back to rejoin Kaidan. “Now, where were we, LT?”

“Umm, I believe you were about to give me my prize for kicking your ass in our snowball fight,” Kaidan said with a bit of caution. Shepard was smirking at him, but the man tended to get a little fiery when he was forced to deal with politicians and other bureaucratic government types.

“That’s right,” he purred, rushing forward to bring their lips together properly. Kaidan moaned into his hot mouth when Shepard encircled a hand around his cock, the man seizing the opportunity to slip his tongue between Kaidan’s lips.

They broke apart gulping down air, Kaidan's hands sinking into the corded muscles on Shepard’s back to hold him in place. He thrust his hips upward into the fingers coiled around him, the friction burning the sensitive flesh as another moaned escaped him.

Shepard let go and Kaidan stifled a whine at the loss, but it didn’t take the Commander long to spit into his palm and curl it right back around his shaft. Kaidan couldn't hold in the stuttered breath that hitched in his throat, but he was able to turn it into a halfassed attempt at John's name.

Shepard kissed him and pulled away with a soft nibble on his bottom lip before moving down his chin, nipping at his jaw, all the while tugging gently on his hardened dick. “Ready for your prize, baby?” he asked, moving into position between Kaidan's spread thighs.

“Told you...not to call...fuck,” Kaidan rasped, body arching when Shepard swallowed his cock in one go. He moved back up with a slow drag of those voluptuous lips along the turgid length, and Kaidan had to screw his eyes shut and count to twenty so he wouldn't misfire before he got a minute to enjoy his reward.

He really wished Shepard had some goddamn hair because it would've been nice to have had some to yank on right then. Instead, he focused on his breathing as Shepard gave special attention to the tip, circling his tongue around the rim of the bulbous head then moving to lap up the precum he coaxed out of him.

He went back to gliding up and down Kaidan's length while one hand moved under his sweater to tweak his nipples. Kaidan wasn't exactly loud in bed, but it was nice knowing for once he didn't have to hold anything back and took full advantage, keening and moaning as he withered under John's expert touch.

“Gods, John, I'm gonna have to beat you at things more often,” Kaidan muttered. He had gotten more comfortable using the Commander’s name when they were alone, and liked to use it whenever possible.

Shepard released him to reply, “Might have to let you,” before devouring him over and over again, the head of Kaidan's cock descending down his throat with ease. Spirits, the man was damn good at that!

When they were both close to their own Peak 15—Shepard having been working on himself while he took care of Kaidan—he let go and moved up to kiss him. The new position aligned their weeping cocks and they began to rut against each other, the wonderful sensation hurling them closer to the edge the faster they ground their hips together.

Their lips were fused—curses, lascivious moaning, and their names the only things able to escape—and Shepard's body weight was causing the scratchy fabric of his sweater to rub his over-sensitive nipples. So much friction he was about to catch fire.

“About to come,” Kaidan panted, his husky voice as shaky as his knees as he drove his hips upward into Shepard's.

“Yeah, baby, come with me,” Shepard breathed in his ear before biting down on the cartilaginous shell.

They crested together with a few fervent grunts, bodies trebbling, Kaidan's bowing into the Commander's while he simultaneously dug nails into his ass to pull him even closer in an attempt to ride out his orgasm with as much contact as possible, milking every last bit of pleasure from the moment.

They got lost in a lazy kiss while their bodies came down from their high, Kaidan's fingers skating over the dampened skin of Shepard's back. He had a sneaky suspicion that John had intended the supply run to be a date. That was fine with him; he could get used to time alone with his lover if it ended that way, mission or not. Gods, they were both so bad at this.

But just like the Mako stalled halfway down the mountain, so did Kaidan's heart when Joker cleared his throat over the still-open comm link.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want more porn, this chapter of [Suffocate](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2773691/chapters/10785422) that I posted yesterday is pretty much nothing but naked feels. I cried. Hell, I'm still crying. This only helped a little.


	9. The One Before Virmire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late night biotic booty call!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I wrapped [Suffocate](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2773691/chapters/6220574), you might be getting more regular updates on this one, but no promises.

Kaidan was up later than usual. It was his mother’s birthday, and with the time difference, he was late getting to bed after spending a good few hours catching up. He was in his sleeping clothes, a soft cotton pair of navy pants and a plain white tee. His bare feet were cold on the metal of the mess hall, but he was just going to have a quick cup of tea before he went to bed. He was Canadian; cold feet never stopped him before.

He had filled up his mug with boiling water and plopped in a tea bag, one of the special blends his mother sent him in her last care package. The earthy fragrance infiltrated the air around him as he breathed in the calming scent of home.

Out of nowhere, strong hands wound around his waist, a warm body plastered against his back. His head tilted when lips began to flutter just above the collar of his shirt, stubble grating over the sensitive skin there and sending heat pooling in his belly before it trickled lower.

“Shepard, what are you doing?” Kaidan asked, attempting to wiggle free of the embrace once he remembered his surroundings. Except he thought it had the opposite effect as the Commander’s erection became more defined along the split of his ass.

“I came to get some coffee but spotted something much more enticing,” Shepard replied, undulating his hips into Kaidan’s and breathing out a puff of air against his ear that did wonderful things to the stirring cock pitching a tent below.

“Someone might see,” Kaidan chided. He tried to push Shepard away with his hips, but deep down, he knew that wouldn’t work. Somewhere very deep down, he knew what he was doing. He stopped his struggle when fingers dipped into the waistband of his thin pants, the delicious digits toying at the hair just above the rim of his boxer-briefs.

Shepard spun him around, Kaidan all but helpless against the man’s advances; he was essentially putty. His back was pressed into the counter and a leg slipped between his own. “So much better than coffee,” the Commander said, nuzzling into the crook of his neck and sucking lightly on his skin as he rutted up against him.

Kaidan drew in a haggard breath as he found his hands clinging to Shepard’s back, pulling him in when he knew he should be pushing him away. They were too exposed out there; their covert affair would be over if anyone found out about them, disciplinary hearings and marks on records.

But the only mark he really cared about was the one John was leaving against his neck, just under the neckline of his tee, out of sight to anyone but them.

“Not here,” he whimpered when Shepard rolled his hips just right. But he needed more.

Shepard pulled away and took his hand, leading him toward the closest empty room, which happened to be a utility closet. They stumbled inside, Shepard’s lips finding his before the door had a chance to swoosh shut behind them. Kaidan’s back collided with a shelving unit and he let out a curse.

“Sorry,” John said, a little huff of laughter escaping before he crushed their lips together again, Kaidan’s parting to welcome him in as they glided against their velvety counterpart.

The lights were dim inside as well, but they really didn’t need to see what they were doing. They were familiar enough with each other by that point. And just in case they weren’t, their biotics were putting on a pretty good light show as shimmering blue flashes danced on the walls.

“How do you do this to me, John?”

“Me? Have you seen the way your ass looks in these pants?” Shepard asked, licking Kaidan’s lips before tugging down the offending garment. Shepard had also changed into his sleepwear minus underwear and pushed his pants down past his thighs as well.

Their cocks brushed together when their half-naked bodies reconnected. Shepard’s hand enveloped his shaft and he gave him a few determined strokes. But that wasn’t going to be enough for Kaidan. “Did you bring lube?”

Shepard was suckling his bottom lip and released with a light chuckle, “No, I went for coffee not cock. Kinda like how we met.”

“We need to go to your cabin then because I need you inside me,” he breathed.

“But I wanted you in the storage unit,” Shepard whined.

Kaidan would’ve been offended if he hadn’t spent almost every night that week in Shepard’s bed. He’d sneak out before shift change to his sleeper pod for another hour before they cycled into artificial daytime time hours.

“Then go get some slick,” Kaidan said, pushing him away.

“You want my cock that bad?”

“Why are you still here?”

Shepard smirked at him and pulled up his pants before he turned to leave. Kaidan grinned to himself as he watched him hobble out of the small room, the swollen erection between his legs hindering his movements. Yeah, he really did want it that bad.

He wasn’t sure how he’d fallen so fast for the First Human Spectre. His previous relationships had always stemmed from friendships not random hookups in elevators, but he was smitten. His mother had even picked up on it. Of course, she was the last thing on his mind when Shepard strutted back in, stripping his shirt off, the packet of lube between his teeth.

Then there were lips on his again, warm like the sun over English Bay, the faintest taste of salt titillating his tongue. Shepard kneeled before him and raked blunt nails down Kaidan’s right thigh, his other guiding the head of Kaidan’s cock into the blistering heat of his mouth. He hooked Kaidan’s leg over his shoulder and began to work lubed up fingers into his tight hole while he lapped and teased the stiff length.

Kaidan had to bite his lip to stifle a shout when Shepard grazed that electrified bundle of nerves, his head lulling back and knocking over a few bottles of cleaning supplies on the shelf. “Hurry up!”

Shepard chuckled around a mouthful of dick, blue eyes looking up at him with a smug yet tender fondness. “Someone’s a little ravenous tonight,” he said with a wink when he pulled back.

Kaidan snorted in derision, “You started this…and are you complaining about getting to fuck me?”

“No, babe, definitely not,” Shepard said, pulling out his fingers and standing up. He lubed up his cock and drug a hand down Kaidan’s thigh once more and lifting to position it around his waist. He lined up their bodies, then ever so slowly, he pushed into him. Kaidan’s head fell back again, Shepard mouthing the skin of his neck while he gave him time to adjust.

Kaidan reached up and held on to the shelves so he could wrap his other leg around Shepard’s waist. He knew John wouldn’t be able to hold him up for long, so they had to be quick. Of course, Shepard knew too because he set a swift pace, their bodies moving as one thanks to the countless rounds that came before.

He was certain the feel of Shepard inside him would never get old. They just fit too well together for their meeting to have been chance, Shepard filling him to perfection every time he drove his hips forward, surging deep into Kaidan’s inner walls. 

The more chaotic Shepard’s thrusts, the louder Kaidan’s moans of pleasure became. John kissed him hard muffling them when Kaidan draped his arms over his shoulders, but that that didn’t last long. Shepard was forced to set him down. Kaidan spun, sticking his ass out and blabbering incoherently for him to get back inside him. 

Every meeting of hips set their skin on fire as the dark energy rolled off them. Shepard’s teeth scraped over his neck, fingers digging into the flesh of his hips while he pounded into him, and Kaidan kind of wished he were bent over the counter instead of white-knuckling a shelf. 

John moved a hand forward to grip his cock, stroking him until everything else but them fell away. Kaidan felt the warmth of Shepard’s release as he emptied inside him, him following close behind and coming in Shepard’s hand after a few more passes down his shaft. Then there was only the sound of heavy breathing and Shepard’s body next to his.

“Another room we can cross off the list, “Shepard said when they broke apart to redress.

Kaidan rolled his eyes and stepped into his pants. “You aren’t satisfied with fucking in all the galaxy’s elevators that we’re adding every room on the ship now?”

Shepard tied the drawstring on his pj's then used a biotic pull to bring Kaidan against him, their bare chests still glistening with sweat. His fingers moving to card through the thick, dark hair at the base of Kaidan's neck, “You satisfy me.”

Kaidan melted at the sincerity in his voice, losing his own and having to rely on a kiss to get across the fact he felt the same way. But John knew if his bright eyes were anything to go by, the dim overhead lights trying but failing to extinguish their brilliance.

They finished getting dressed and left the small closet. Shepard had peeked out to make sure the coast was clear then took Kaidan’s hand and led him to his cabin where they spent the next few hours sleeping peacefully in each other’s arms until Kaidan had to slither out to the sleeper pods for appearances sake. He knew Shepard couldn’t ask him to stay, but every morning it became harder and harder to leave.

*****

“Did you sleep okay last night, LT?” Ashley asked at breakfast, a peculiar expression on her face Kaidan couldn’t decipher. “You look a little tired. Hope you aren’t getting worn out chasing after Saren.”

“I’m fine, Ash. Just stayed up a little late talking to my mother,” he said before shoving a spoonful of oatmeal into his mouth that might as well have been paste.

“Ah, I see,” she replied, staring at him as he ate. There were a few lower ranked crewmen at the other end of the table, but they were a little ways down.

Kaidan took a swig of juice to wash down the oatmeal before he continued. “Why are you acting weird?”

“Am I? I hadn’t noticed.”

“Yeah, you are.”

“Maybe you’re the one acting weird.”

Kaidan sighed and went back to eating as he tried to ignore Ashley’s watchful eye. Shepard had told him she had a crush on him, so maybe she was thinking of making a move or something. She knew he was a by the book kind of guy and even teased him about it, but he had tried to make it clear he wasn’t interested even though he never said those exact words.

Just as he was about to ask her again why she was behaving strangely, she addressed the table with a loud voice, big eyes training an intense gaze on him, “Does anyone need anything from the storage closet?”

Kaidan’s spoon froze in midair before he lowered it back to the bowl. His eyes had to have been as big as saucers as he stared back into her impish browns. She knew. Shit, they were screwed! Would she tell the crew, blackmail them, report them to Anderson?

All of the sudden, he’d lost his appetite. He made quick work of disposing of his tray and followed her to the closet. The door closed behind him and he fidgeted as he waited to hear his fate, trying not to think of his back pressed into those shelves a few hours prior. Out of nowhere a soft chuckle began to build into a rapturous roar of laughter, but that only made him more nervous.

Kaidan’s eyes stilled on a rather interesting wash bucket, “Are you going to report us?”

“What? For being happy?” Ashley asked, finally able to get her laughing under control. “Look, I…may have had a giant crush on you, but it all makes sense now why you didn’t notice me. But no, LT, what you and the Commander do in storage closets around the galaxy is none of my business.”

Kaidan let out a sigh of relief as he met her eyes. She appeared genuine and he was glad they had an ally. Or at the least, not a snitch. “Thanks, Ash.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t tease the shit out of you for it,” she snickered, socking him in the arm. “So…” she continued, and he swore she was now cackling maniacally, “Is the Commander just as good in bed as he is on the battlefield?”

Kaidan’s cheeks heated up and he stormed out, Ashley letting out a mirthy “I thought so” as he made his way down the corridor. Ashley caught up and they had fallen instep by the time they approached the mess.

As soon as they entered, Shepard’s booming voice echoed off the metal walls, “Alenko, Williams? I’ve been looking for you. We’re about to hit Virmire.”

“Sorry, sir. I needed the Lieutenant’s help moving something in storage,” Ashley said.

“Move your asses, Marines. You’re both on the ground team!”

“Aye, sir,” they answered in unison before saluting then scurrying to the elevator.

Ashley nudged him when the elevator doors closed to take them to the hanger bay, “He’s certainly grumpy today. Must’ve kept him up too late.”

“Ash, would you stop?” Kaidan groaned, running a hand down his face. “He’s still our CO after all.”

“But you’re in charge when he’s not, right?”

He knew she was enjoying this far too much than she should have been. The doors slid open and he rushed out, thankful the conversation was over for the time being. Last night had been amazing, but he had a nagging feeling in his gut—ever since he rolled out of Shepard’s bed at zero four hundred—that the day wouldn’t be as kind.

Shepard came down after and Kaidan couldn’t help but watch out of the corner of his eye as the Commander suited up. The man had a pull on him; there was no denying that. He thought about telling him that Ashley had found them out, but he figured it could wait. Shepard was moving into N7 mode, which was right where he needed to be if they were going to stop Saren.


	10. Compromised

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sad one after Virmire; Shepard lashes out at Kaidan then shocks him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How about a little bit of comfort sex?

The debriefing was a wake. Ashley was gone, Saren got away, and there was an empty chair to Kaidan’s right, empty like the gaping hole in his chest where Chief Williams used to be. They might not’ve hit it off right away, mainly because Kaidan was a dense idiot, but they’d grown closer after Feros. They bonded and she had quickly become more than just a comrade in arms. But now she was gone.

Shepard was leaning against the console—his head hung, face a granite mask of stoicism—as everyone began to filter out of the room. Kaidan had no idea what was going on in his head. He had to make an impossible call, one that lost them a member of their crew, _his_ crew, and all Kaidan wanted to do was hold him, to be held by him, while they wept and grieved. 

He was hesitant to leave Shepard alone but was unsure if he should stay. He didn’t want to be alone, but that didn’t mean Shepard would want his company. After all, it was their relationship that cost them her life. Kaidan’s inability to turn him away, to follow regs, had made Shepard’s choice so much harder than it should have been. He was riddled with guilt and he knew that Shepard must’ve been filled with so much more.

His foot bounced in places for a minute before he stood. Tali was helping Joker hobble out the door when he started for it himself, but then his feet stopped, seeming to root themselves to the spot. He watched the door slide shut, his shoulders drooping, and then turned to face the Commander. Something had to be said, even if it was something as cliché as ‘I’m here for you’ or ‘She died a hero.’

“It was because of us, wasn’t it?” he croaked instead, voice strained and burning in his throat.

Shepard’s eyes snapped to his and they were startled, a glittering of the rawest form of emotion he’d ever seen before they hardened. “No…” he growled, pushing away from the console, “It was because of you.”

And that was not what Kaidan had expected, the venom in his tone eating away at him like Maw acid through armor. His brows knitted together and he swallowed hard. He didn’t know what to say to that so he said nothing.

“You compromised me,” Shepard thundered, storming towards him with long strides, digging a finger into Kaidan’s chest causing him to spark blue on instinct. “You could’ve compromised _everything._ The mission, the galaxy. I knew who I was before you, knew what I had to do until you bewitched me. This…” he said, motioning between them, “this is over.”

“John?”

“Get out!”

“Shepard, you’re angry,” Kaidan tried. Anger was part of grief; he knew the stages. That was…it was just his grief talking.

“I said GET OUT!”

He didn’t need to be told again. Spinning around, he made his way towards the door. Garrus, Tali, and Joker were standing right outside and he pushed past them in a fury. Tali had asked if Shepard was all right, but he couldn’t answer. Garrus asked if he was, but he was already halfway down the stairs by that point. His eyes were stinging and he wanted to be alone for a minute to think, to cry, to yell, he didn’t know which, but that was a mighty task on a small frigate. 

He found himself in engineering and hurried to bury himself up to the waist in a panel. Only then, out of view, out of earshot, did he allow himself a moment to fall apart. Shepard hadn’t been wrong; she had died because of him, because Shepard made a choice to spare his. He couldn’t deny that truth, that his life was spared for something he was still refusing to look at, that they were both choosing not to acknowledge. 

What he could deny were the feelings of hurt that tore through his heart when Shepard said they were done. He blamed them on the guilt of losing yet another member of the crew. After all, he knew their relationship had always been temporary, just a one-night stand, just stress relief, just a fling. Just sex. That’s what he’d spent the last two months telling himself, and if it really was the end of it, then it’d be a helluva lot easier getting over a fling than his soul mate.

*****

It was several hours later when Kaidan was able to brave the upper decks. Tali had come down and he’d overheard her telling Adam’s that Shepard was briefing the brass on Ash’s death. He couldn’t help but wonder if he’d mentioned him. That had been a while ago and his stomach was starting to eat itself. He had no appetite, but he knew he had to eat anyway. 

He felt like an idiot but checked both ways before he stepped off the lift in case Shepard was around. He wondered how long he could go with avoiding him. There was a small group huddled around the mess table eating dinner, their murmurs dying down when they noticed him walking by. _Great._

“How are you holding up, Lieutenant?” asked one of the grunts. The glare he couldn’t hold back must’ve been answer enough because someone hurriedly added, “The chicken’s not half bad today if you want some.”

Chicken it was. He shoveled in spoonful after spoonful hardly chewing before he forced the rations down his throat followed by coffee so hot it scorched the roof of his mouth. The private might’ve been right, but he really couldn’t taste anything, couldn’t feel the burn, his tongue still coated in the metallic taste of death he felt caked with since they set foot on Virmire. He dumped his tray and headed back towards the elevator.

Before he could push the call button, Joker hollered to him from down the hall. “Hey Alenko, you hack. We need some help over here.”

With a brow arched and a sense of curiosity, he walked over to the group of three standing in front of the door to the head. “What’s going on? Is the door on the fritz?” 

Joker leaned in to whisper his reply, “Shepard locked himself in…I’m not saying he’d do anything stupid, but he’s a bit of a mess right now.” 

Shepard probably didn’t want to see him at the moment, if anyone, but he was a little concerned, and the Commander was their CO. They had a duty to him to check on his wellbeing. So he nodded and got to work. It didn’t take him long to pop the locks, the door hissing as it opened and a cloud of steam assaulted their senses. 

“Shepard? You okay?” Joker called, and Kaidan was shocked he was able to sound timid given his usual boisterous personality. But now was certainly not the time for that. 

Kaidan’s heart began to pound when they got no answer. 

The shower was still running, but they couldn’t see much. He took a deep breath and ventured inside, forcing the door shut behind him and hacking it closed. He was just going to check on him and neither of them needed their dirty laundry aired out all over scuttlebutt. There was no way of knowing what state Shepard would be in, but it pulled at his heartstrings when his outline appeared out of the haze.

He was sitting against the wall, fully clothed, as water rained down on him. His arms were wrapped around his knees hugging them to his chest and he looked so small and broken, the image instantly vaporizing any residual anger Kaidan had left after what he’d said to him earlier. He knew he hadn’t meant that he was responsible for Ashley’s death. He hoped.

Kaidan toed off his boots and stripped off his shirt then moved into the shower stall. He turned the temperature of the water down a little and took a seat by Shepard’s side, their shoulders and thighs touching. Shepard hadn’t said anything to him and hadn’t even looked at him. He wasn’t sure what to say so he just sat there and waited, content enough in the fact that Shepard hadn’t told him to get out.

It was awhile before he heard a sound that wasn’t falling water, and it was something he hadn’t expected to happen so fast if at all. It was a simple ‘I’m sorry’ breathed out with a garbled whisper.

“I know,” Kaidan replied, moving his arms to curl around him. Shepard melted into him and started to cry, Kaidan’s tears mixing with his and diluted by recycled water. They were allowed to mourn their friend. 

Eventually, Shepard pulled back. “It was because of me,” he said with a sniffle, “I made the choice.”

“It wasn’t you, it was Saren.”

“No, Kaidan. It’s on me. I chose to go back for you. I could’ve saved her, could’ve saved all those Salarians…but I didn’t.”

“It happened so fast. Our priority was protecting the bomb. Your hand was forced and no one blames you, okay?”

Shepard met his eyes, the blue so blunted and dull, and choked out a pathetic, “I do.”

Kaidan couldn’t stand to look at him like that any longer. He lunged and captured his lips for a kiss, Shepard gasping at the sudden gesture before returning it and moving back into him. Fingers crept into his soaked hair and Shepard’s tongue ran along his lower lip then darted inside to meet his as droplets trickled down their faces. 

He wasn’t sure what stage of grief the sex should be in, but maybe this was supposed to be makeup sex. Regardless, he had tried to pull away and slow things down. Shepard was in a vulnerable state and Kaidan wasn’t sure if sex was the best thing to do considering the circumstances, but the way Shepard had said ‘please’ against his lips, his eyes brimming with tears, had all his defenses thwarted. 

That’s how he found himself straddling John’s thighs as they clawed at the heavy fabric that clung to his hips like a vice. Shepard freed his budding erection, the growing member happy for the reprieve from chaffing wet clothes. He nipped at Kaidan’s jawline while he returned the favor and reached in the Commander’s drenched BDU’s. They paused for a second and struggled as they removed Shepard’s shirt, tossing it to the side where it landed with a hardy plop.

Shepard took hold of both of their cocks giving a few slow strokes as they shared an impassioned kiss. He needed this, and obviously Kaidan did too, something to remind them they were still alive or that there were things to be thankful for even though they’d lost something—someone—important to them both. Or maybe they just needed a break from their sorrowful hearts and overthinking minds that insisted on laying blame on themselves and not Saren. 

Because Spirits, he needed Shepard’s teeth dragging across the curve of his shoulder as he thrust his hips forward, his throbbing dick slipping through Shepard’s wet hand and along his hard shaft. He needed the hand snaking down his back down the split of his ass to tease his water-slicked hole. He needed to hear how wrecked his voice was when he said Shepard’s name, the sound echoing off the walls, when a thick finger entered him. The sting was welcomed, a conduit for releasing all the pain he had bottled up inside. 

He got lost in the blissful pleasure as he fucked himself on Shepard’s fingers. Their slippery chests glided against each other, both of their hands on either side of their shafts encasing them as he pumped into them. Shepard’s breathy grunts beat against his neck and intermixed with a few muttered curses. It was rushed and rough, but grace and poise weren’t the point. 

The water washing over them masked Shepard’s release, but he knew him well enough to tell when he orgasmed—knew by the way the wrinkles set in his brow, the way his teeth clamped down on his shoulder, the little hitch in his breathing. Kaidan followed soon after, chest heaving as he trembled and withered against his lover. 

They began kissing again, on lips, on cheeks, chins and even noses. Kaidan couldn’t get enough of it, kissing Shepard back anywhere he could. He needed to reassure himself, and maybe Shepard too, that they were going to be okay as they tried to hold onto their fleeting moment for as long as possible before the darkness rolled back in.

Shepard’s hands moved up to cup his jaw, fingertips edging into his hairline. He pressed his forehead into Kaidan’s, his breath coming out in hot puffs of air wafting over his lips. Then for the third time that day, Kaidan was struck with words he had not been expecting to hear, ones that were far more confusing than he ever imagined they could be, rasped out and whispered low, “I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Barring any random plot bunnies or surges in my muse, this might be my last ME update/post until sometime in December because of NaNoWriMo. I've been wanting to do something for Halloween, but we'll see if that works out. No promises.


	11. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The nightmare doesn't end when Kaidan wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I didn't spend too much time revising this because I wanted to get this out since it's been waaay too long since I updated and you've all been so patient. <3 Enjoy!

_“I missed this,” Shepard whispered in his ear, breath hot on his neck as cold hands raked down his side._

_“I missed this too, missed you,” Kaidan rasped back. John nipped the shell of his ear and he arched his back, body begging for everything they’d denied themselves for the past two weeks. But they were here now, in the dim light of the captain’s cabin, and Shepard’s weight was pressing down on him, grounding him in the moment._

_He grazed his nails over Shepard’s scalp and down his back. Retaliation came in the form of a bite on his neck, teeth sinking into tender flesh as he hissed, body quivering and withering the way only Shepard could make it. His dick was so hard that he just knew it was broken, ruined for anyone else but John. He wouldn’t be able to last long when they got to it, though that hardly mattered in the grand scheme of things._

_Makeup sex was almost a foreign concept to him. It was rare for one of his ended relationships to reignite. And he couldn’t think of any that he’d want to. Except this one, except with Shepard._

_“I love you,” Kaidan said, his heart so full it almost hurt to breathe._

_“I know,” Shepard replied kissing a line up his pulse point, over his freshly shaved jawline to his lips. Kaidan tried to put everything he couldn’t say into it, the apologies, the warm feeling he got in the pit of his stomach every time Shepard smiled at him, the way sparks shot through him when they touched._

_Then Shepard was driving into him, one long drawn out slide at first, as Kaidan twisted his legs around his narrow waist. Then he was holding tight to sweat-slick shoulders and those thin hips were plowing into him harder and harder with each thrust. He was glad the cabin had sound dampeners because the moans Shepard was pulling from him were almost too loud in his own ears._

_Gods, he missed this, being filled, being taken, being split apart and so close to Shepard that he thought he’d dissolve right into him. Because Shepard was a sun, and he was a planet who’s orbited had gotten too close. Now, he was falling into him, letting go and giving in. The universe had rules, natural laws, and this was one of them. _They_ were one of them._

_He reached down between them and stroked himself when Shepard’s hips started to waver, their smooth rhythm morphing into hazy, erratic movements that told him the Commander was getting close. A few good bucks of his hips and Kaidan could feel the warmth spreading inside him when Shepard reached his climax, but before he could finish, his hand was slapped away._

_That was usually when Shepard would take over, finishing the job or pulling out so he could suck him off, but that’s not what happened._

_Shepard’s satiated smile turned into a feral grin, and when he pulled away and sat up, he was fully dressed. Then the room was fading, the walls pulled apart like they were just set pieces, and Kaidan was laying naked on a bed in the center of the Presidium. There was a crowd gathered around and they were laughing and pointed at him. Shepard was looming over him, pining him down with a hard glowering stare._

_“You think I really loved you?” Shepard laughed, his whole body shaking with mirth._

_Kaidan panicked. He needed to cover himself, but he couldn’t get his arms to work. He opened his mouth to plead for help, to apologize, for Shepard to cover him up or get him out of there, but nothing came out._

_“That I could actually_ love _someone like you? That anyone could?”_

_There were flashes of that night in the shower playing like a vid, the night Ashley died, of Shepard cold and crying on the metal floor, of him calling out to Kaidan, arms outstretched and shaking, while he turned his back and walked away._

_“You’re pathetic, Alenko, you get people killed, good people.” But it was Shepard’s turn to leave him there, cold and alone, scared out of his mind, but before he walked off, he snarled back over his shoulder, “Should’ve saved Ash.”_

***

Kaidan jolted awake, shivering and covered in a cold sheen of sweat. He’d been having the same nightmare over and over again for the past several weeks, since Virmire. It was his fault; he couldn’t deny that. Shepard had told him he loved him in the shower after Ash died, fingers anchored in his shirt so tight. And what did he do? He ran away, he untangled Shepard’s fingers one by one and left him there, half naked and broken, as he muttered apologies and bolted out the door.

It was too much. He just needed time to sort things out in his head. They had just lost someone; and he had almost died. I love you’s were a big step forward and he didn’t want them to be exchanged with adrenaline and guilt coursing through them. It was smart really, to leave, to cool his head and get some space, but he probably should’ve used his words instead of running off like a fearful child.

He avoided Shepard for the next few days, which had been easier than he thought it would be, but it gave him time to think, to reevaluate their relationship, and when he came out on the other side, he knew he loved him too. Of course he did. Shepard challenged him, pushed him over the edges he liked to tatter on. He made him feel alive, and just made him _feel._ It had been far too long since he’d felt…human.

But when he went searching for him to tell him, to apologize, Shepard was nowhere to be found. When he finally realized it was because the Commander was avoiding him, it triggered the nightmares. He’d dream about Rahna too, about Ash and Jenkins, other soldiers he’d served with and mourned, but Shepard freezing him out brought a different kind of pain to the surface.

Kaidan was benched from N7 missions and Shepard made sure he was always with someone no matter what Kaidan did to try and catch him alone. He sent him messages that he knew went unopened and tried to request time for debriefings. Kaidan knew that if he just had five minutes to reason with him that he’d understand. But maybe he didn’t deserve to be understood.

He’d left him there, eyes on fire and filled to the brim with tears. Why couldn’t he have just said it back? He might not’ve realized he felt the same way in the moment, but it wouldn’t have been a complete lie if he had. But now Shepard probably thought he hated him, that he was using him, that…spirits only knew what else he thought.

Shepard’s whole change in demeanor had the crew on edge. He stopped making his usual rounds, he had no patience for small mistakes, and Joker said he’d practically closed himself off from everyone. He was hoping Kaidan could get through to him, but Kaidan was hoping the crew thought Shepard was still in mourning. And maybe he was, but that was the hardest part, not being there to help him through it, not having him to lean on when he needed it himself.

That was why you didn’t date your CO, because the breakups were unbearable and affected the whole ship, could affect the mission. Even Garrus was having trouble concentrating on kill shots because he was too worried about trying to keep Shepard from charging into merc groups and taking them on singlehandedly. Wrex didn’t mind. Shepard took him out a lot, and from what Kaidan heard, they’d both come back pretty banged up and bloodied. 

In the end, it was Liara who approached him searching for the truth for why Shepard had started hiding himself away. She found him in the Mess early into an evening cycle. He’d just suffered through a migraine, and even those reminded him of Shepard. She sat down beside him and wrung her hands for a moment before she spoke.

“I am still a young Asari, but when Shepard and I melded, I saw what was transmitted by the beacon, but I also saw other things, fleeting things, flashes. It is not appropriate or even acceptable to talk about what is seen during a joining, but they were things he wanted me to see, even if it was only in his subconscious.”

Kaidan hung his head and pushed a piece of rehydrated meat around his tray, “Why are you telling me this?”

“I am a scientist, I make observations and devise hypotheses.”

He looked up into her deep blue eyes. They looked sympathetic and sincere, and he regretted all that time he wasted being jealous of her and Ash. “What am I supposed to do? He won’t talk to me. I…I don’t know how…” 

The few relationships he’d managed over the years were ephemeral. It was a conscious choice to keep most of his feelings superficial, to keep others from getting too close and relationships from getting too real. There were less chances of getting hurt that way, or more importantly, less chance of him hurting others. But Shepard was different.

Somehow he tunneled under Kaidan’s armor, peeled away the layers by sheer force of will until he’d settled within him, deep down where no one else had been, and Kaidan knew he wasn’t equipped to deal with that. Maybe he wasn’t built to carry that sort of weight. Or maybe he’d never met anyone worth the trouble. Until now. He never thought he’d love anyone again, and never really wanted to, but that’s how his mother always told him it would happen: out of the blue as it slammed into him full throttle. 

And that’s exactly what Shepard had done. 

He was knocked out of his thoughts when Joker sat down beside him. Tali took the seat next to Liara. “You guys hitting Flux with us?” she asked.

“What?”

“Flux,” Joker repeated, “When we hit the Citadel in a few hours....It's...It's been a shitty few weeks and I think everyone needs a break from the nightmares." There was a moment of silence, presumably for Ashley before the mood lifted and he continued. "That’s all the crew has been talking about for hours. Where have you been, Alenko?"

“In the med-bay hoping my head wouldn’t explode,” he deadpanned.

“Maybe it would cure your moping," he said under his breath, "Anyway, we’re going to Flux after we dock.”

“You should join us, Kaidan,” Tali said. He couldn’t see her face, but he could picture her kind smile from the inflection of her tone.

“I’m not really good with crowds and loud noises. They’re triggers for my migraines.”

“You just had one, so you should be good, right?” Joker asked before shoveling a mouthful of the Alliance’s signature bland beef stir-fry into his mouth.

Before Kaidan could reply, the elevator dinged and Wrex and Shepard’s voices overflowed into the Mess. It was only the tail end of a conversation that sounded like it was about ripping Salarians to shreds. 

“Hey Commander, are you gonna buy us a round at Flux when we dock?” Joker asked. Kaidan wasn’t sure if he was serious or not, but Shepard grinned at him for a fraction of a second before his eyes landed on Kaidan, the smile disappearing in the blink of an eye. He wanted to shrink down and slither under the table. Or maybe just throw himself out the closest airlock.

“No Moreau, some of us have to actually work around here.” 

The room quieted as Shepard turned on his heel and strode into his cabin. The lock engaged and turned an ugly red behind him. Conversation was stilted after that. Everyone finished dinner as fast as possible and went about with their usual nighttime routine. 

Maybe once they stopped Saren and defeated Sovereign, Kaidan would think about putting in for a transfer. It would be the coward’s way out, running from his problems, but this was life and death, and if they couldn’t work together, then things would need to change. But he wasn't sure where to start or how he could possibly get Shepard to stop treating him like a leper.

All he really knew was that Shepard was slipping through his fingers, and he had no idea how to readjust his grip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I really wish I could show Shepard's pov here, but I've made the decision to stick with Kaidan throughout. It's _hard!_
> 
> Now the "bad" news...this thing will be wrapped up in 2 (no more than 3) chapters. BUT I do have a sequel in mind thanks to an idea that would fit sooo perfectly into this 'verse, though it won't have nearly as much smut. We'll see; my track record with sequels is abysmal. I dream big.


	12. Making It Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard finally talk it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm kind of nervous about this chapter. I hope it's enough. Maybe that's why it took so long...also I lost a chunk somewhere and had to rewrite it. Ugh, technology fail.

Kaidan didn’t want to think about how Joker talked him into joining the crew at Flux. It didn’t matter anyway, he was there nursing a beer and trying not to look directing at all the flashing lights. Garrus kept telling him to loosen up. It carried more weight considering the source than if anyone else had told him that, but he couldn’t help it if he was mopey and heartbroken and doing his best not to watch the door waiting for Shepard to arrive.

The Commander had to brief the Council and had left the ship before the rest of them. Kaidan overheard Joker saying he’d meet them at the club, but he knew that if Shepard saw him, he’d turn around and leave. So, he was hiding out in the corner where he strategically placed himself between Tali and the door. It didn’t do much good because he got so enthralled by a story Wrex was telling about ripping pyjaks to shreds that he didn’t notice him until he was standing at the end of the table.

He wore a heavy frown and clutched a bottle of whiskey that he tilted back and guzzled before he even acknowledged the table. “We’re grounded. The Council put the Normandy on lockdown.” Without another word, and ignoring everyone’s questions, he turned around and headed onto the dance floor, which everyone knew was the worst place he could possibly be.

That was not what Kaidan was expecting, and he could feel the eyes slowly turning to him. He didn’t blame them, everyone saw how close the two of them had gotten since the Commander was given control of the ship, but he didn’t think anyone but Joker knew just how close that was. There might have been a few others who suspected though.

“He’s not talking to me,” Kaidan said, looking down at his bottle and using a nail to pick at the label.

“He’s not talking to anyone,” Tali pointed out.

“He needs to blow off some steam. Let him have some fun that doesn't involve blowing things up,” Garrus said.

Wrex huffed, “Should’ve taken him to Chora’s Den then.”

Kaidan drank his beer and moped some more while he watched Shepard dance with several different partners. It wasn’t until he started grinding on the big hulking dude that jealousy began to bubble up inside him. He tapped it down the best he could until Shepard started leading the guy towards the restrooms. That was the last straw.

He climbed over the table and followed them. When he got inside, Shepard was pinned against a sink as the guy sucked on his neck. He flashed blue as his biotics thrummed in his rage. It hurt, seeing him like that with someone else, more than he thought it would. “Shepard, what the hell are you doing?”

They were both startled, their heads whipping around to him. “Get the fuck out of here, Alenko,” Shepard said when he realized who he was. He pulled the man back against him from where he’d moved away, but the guy looked wary as Kaidan stepped closer to them.

“No, not until we talk,” he said, his biotics fizzling out once he was able to control himself.

“We have nothing to talk about. I told you I loved you and you rejected me!”

Kaidan shook his head, his eyes narrowing into a scowl. “I didn’t reject you, you pushed me away.”

The guy cleared his throat and removed Shepard’s hands from around his neck, “I think I’m gonna go.” He skirted around Kaidan mumbling something about them both being loco before scurrying out the door.

“Oh yeah, just go, leave like everybody else does,” Shepard hollered after him, running a hand over his scalp as he started to pace a little.

Kaidan didn’t know how much he’d been drinking, but he wasn’t slurring or anything. He could tell he was pretty worked up though, they both were, so he was going to try and be as calm as he could. “Nobody left you, Shepard.”

“You did, Kaidan. You walked away. That’s a pretty fucking clear sign that you were done with me, with us. You left me there...alone.”

“I…yeah, I did and it was a mistake, okay? And I’m sorry...but I was scared, and people do stupid things when they’re scared. Isn’t that what _he_ was?” he asked, frowning as he motioned to the door.

“No, he was a hot distraction from my world falling apart.”

Kaidan scoffed, all sorts of jealous inadequacies rising to the surface, “If you like that sort of thing.”

Shepard finally stilled by far wall when a few people came in to the restroom, and Kaidan followed him over. They should probably be having this conversation somewhere other than public men’s room, but there they were. At least it didn’t smell bad like some of the places in the Lower Wards. He waited until they were alone again to continue.

“John, I only walked away because I needed time to think, not because I was done with you. Things were moving too fast. Ash just died, we were both a mess, and that confession…what you said…” his shoulders slumped, his heart aching as he replayed the scene over in his head, “I thought that was just your grief talking.”

“It wasn’t.”

“I didn’t know that in the moment,” Kaidan said, daring to reach out his hand. His fingers brushed Shepard’s wrist and warmth bloomed inside him for the first time in weeks when fingers twined with his own. He could only hope that was the connection between them flickering back to life. “It was an intense situation with emotions running high and you spit it out in the heat of the moment. I didn’t want it like that; I wanted it to be real.”

“It was real you stupid idiot!” Shepard’s shoulders relaxed, the fight leaching right out of him. “I mean…I knew I loved you before that.”

Kaidan’s brow furrowed at that, “When?”

“I don’t know, it was lust for a while, since the first time I saw you in that stupid coffee shop. It took me fucking days to find an opening, and when I finally did, it was all thanks to a stupid éclair of all things,” Shepard laughed, and Kaidan hadn’t realized how much he’d missed that. “I was pretty sure I fucked it up with my assholery, but then there was the elevator and the ship, then Saren and the mission. It was crazy and I don’t know when exactly but somewhere a long the way I feel in love with you. I didn’t know if you felt the same so I kept my mouth shut…but after Ash…I just needed you to know, okay, just in case…”

“…in case one of us doesn’t make it.”

Yeah, he was a stupid idiot.

Shepard’s eyes kept jumping around, and Kaidan could tell he was full of nervous energy, like he didn’t know where they were supposed to go from there. Kaidan wasn’t sure either, but he wanted to figure it out.

“What were you going to do with him?” Kaidan asked, motioning to the door again.

“I don’t know, Kaidan,” he replied, sounding utterly defeated as he leaned against the wall, “Pretend he was you?”

He squeezed Shepard’s hand and gave him the tiniest of smiles, “Now you’re the stupid idiot because that’s impossible.”

Shepard looked down to where their hands were joined, “I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t handle this very well, did I?”

“Neither of us did.”

“Now what?”

“Well, we try harder,” Kaidan shrugged, “because...I love you too.” He leaned in until their bodies were all but touching, a smile breaking on his face, “But I think we should worry about that later because I’m pretty sure this is where the make-up sex comes in.”

He could feel Shepard smiling when their lips met, his skin tingling from head to toe as their bodies were fitted together. Fingers were carving ruts in his hair and a hand was falling down his back to squeeze his ass and bring their hips impossibly close. He slipped his knee between John’s thighs and was happy to discover he was just has hard as he was.

“Back to the ship?” Kaidan asked on a gasp, his head falling back exposing skin and the expanse of his neck for Shepard to nip at.

“Too far.”

Shepard gripped his thighs and picked him up—Kaidan’s ankles hooking around his powerful legs—then carried him into the closest stall. Kaidan’s head was too foggy with lust to protest, not that he wanted to once Shepard got his pants undone, his calloused hand burrowing into them to take hold of his cock. 

His back was pressed into the stall, the metal cool on his back where his shirt had ridden up. One leg slipped down to the ground, but the other was tightly wound around Shepard’s. Part of him thought it was a dream, being so close to him again, breathing in his scent and feeling the warmth of his body pinning him in place, but the nibble on his earlobe ruled that out.

And then there was the way Shepard dragged fingers down his shaft, twisting in all the right places to ratchet up the heat within him, teeth grazing over his stubble-covered jaw. His dreams had been pretty vivid, but they had nothing on the real thing, all his senses honed in on his lover in ways that dreams couldn’t duplicate.

Kaidan had to use both hands to pull Shepard’s head back far enough to gain access to the spot on his neck that the stranger had been attached to moments before, but Shepard was his and that was his spot to claim. He sucked a bruise on his skin then worried the mark with his teeth until it turned an angry red, hot and welted when he ran his tongue over it. Shepard shuttered against him when he clamped down a little too tight, but he didn’t protest, just took what Kaidan gave him.

He was more than a bit smug when he whispered, “That’s going to leave a mark,” but his ability to speak was soon impaired when Shepard picked up the pace of his strokes. 

Kaidan struggled to get Shepard’s pants undone, but after a moment, he was able to slip them past his hips. Shepard let go of his cock and brought their hips flush, their dripping cocks caught between their scorching skin. Then they were kissing and rutting against each other, Kaidan doing his best to hang on as his eyes rolled back and his orgasm built up inside him. His skin felt too tight and he wished their clothes weren’t in the way, but having John so close once more was worth the less than ideal location.

“M-missed you,” Shepard whispered in his ear, voice honey-thick and raw. “Love y-you.”

“L-love you too,” Kaidan spat out as their climax tore through them both, the pleasure and release leaving them both a trembling mess locked in a tight embrace. Shepard pressed kisses along his jaw on his way to his lips, and they stood there for a few minutes lost in languid kisses. 

Shepard pulled back, blue eyes fluttering over his face for a moment before he broke the silence, “I know a place in the Lower Wards where they make a killer éclair. Figured I owed you a few.”

“I don’t know, Shepard,” he said with an exaggerated sigh, “I think I might need a steak sandwich too.”

Shepard smiled then reached for the toilet paper to clean them up. “You sure are an expensive date.”

“We had sex in a public restroom. This is _not_ a date,” Kaidan replied as he fastened his pants. He ran a hand through his hair, guessing it was totally tousled, and reached for the lock on the door.

“Wait,” John said, taking his hand to stop him, “I really am sorry for acting like such an idiot and I really did miss you.”

Kaidan smiled and draped his arms over Shepard’s shoulders, “I'm sorry too, and I missed you.”

Shepard ducked his head, “At least I got one thing back I lost.”

“You didn’t lose me...and you won’t, no matter what.” Kaidan tilted Shepard's head back up with a finger, cupping his jaw once they made eye contact. 

Shepard nodded, leaning into his touch, “Yeah, okay.”

“Then we’ll figure out what to do about the Normandy...together.” 

“Together...then we’ll have proper make-up sex,” he chuckled.

Kaidan rolled his eyes, “You’re insatiable.”

“No, I’m in love,” he grinned, “Now let’s go get some food, I’m starving.”

Kaidan pecked him on the lips and shook his head fondly. Then his stomach growled and they set off in search of éclairs. He was only a little disappointed when they somehow managed to get back to the ship without fucking in an elevator, but he knew Shepard would make it up to him later.


	13. Insomniac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night before Ilos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG this took way too loooong. Sorry, hope it doesn't suck....

Kaidan loved it like this, the kind of slow fuck they usually had after bodies were fatigued from battle or a night of passionate lovemaking. And they’d done a lot of both the last few months. Everyone was tired after chasing Saren down, but he just needed more of Shepard, more of that blissful connection—soft kisses and gentle fingers skating over skin—before they had to get out of bed and go back to war. 

They had a few hours before they reached Ilos and he and Shepard had agreed to sleep apart—something that was happening less and less as time went on. It was more so Shepard’s idea really. He wanted everyone well rested for what they all hoped would be the final showdown. 

Unsurprisingly, things with them hardly ever went to plan.

***

Kaidan couldn’t get comfortable in his cramped sleeper pod. First he was too hot; then he was too cold. The recycled air felt thick in his lungs as he gulped it down. Thoughts of what was waiting for them on Ilos had the walls threatening to close in around him, and the dreaded possibility of losing John, of not being able to stop Sovereign, conquered every thought to the contrary. 

He knew he should’ve gotten up sooner, but after two hours of drowning in anxiety with no sign of sleep on the horizon, he got up and went to the mess for some tea. A soothing cup of Chamomile always did wonders to calm his racing mind. Joker and Tali hadn’t been able to sleep either; both were camped out at the table when he moseyed on up. He took a seat and listened to them talk ship specs in hopes that they’d bore him into a coma.

It didn’t work because he soon joined in.

Next, he went down to the hangar bay. Garrus was busy tinkering with the Mako. They had a brief talk about how terrible a driver Shepard was, though if he were being honest, Kaidan wasn’t any better at it. The Mako wasn’t made for grace but for utility, and it always got the job done. He excused himself after a while. He didn’t want Garrus getting distracted because they were going to need everyone and everything in tip top shape for this mission, the last hurrah.

He bypassed Wrex whose snores were attempting to wake the dead. Spirits how he wished that were true. He spared a glance towards Ashley’s locker. It still had her nameplate attached. Shepard wanted to be the one to clear it out, and Kaidan figured he wanted to wait until the mission was complete. Everything was as she left it, the steel box now a shrine, a reminder of her sacrifice, but she was still with them, she was still part of the crew, even in death.

When he made it to Engineering, Falawa informed him that Engineer Adams had gone to bed a few hours prior. He was glad a few people were able to sleep. However, Adams didn’t look that rested when they passed each other by the elevator. They exchanged a few words, and then Kaidan continued on to the CIC. Since he was making the rounds, he thought he might as well check in with everyone. Once he was assured that everything was running smoothly, he headed back down to the crew deck.

Dr. Chakwas and Liara were discussing human physiology when he made it to the medbay. He grabbed some meds from the Doc in anticipation of overusing his biotics when they reached Ilos. Then he sat down and attempted to keep up with their conversation, but after several minutes of Liara’s silken voice explaining her doctoral thesis, he was close to dozing off. 

“Goodnight, ladies,” he said as he excused himself.

“Goodnight, Kaidan. Sleep well,” Liara replied.

“Yes, get some rest, Lieutenant,” Dr. Chakwas added.

He caught a glimpse of Shepard’s back as he was retreated into his cabin, the doors grinding shut as Kaidan exited the medbay, though his eyes might’ve slipped a little lower. He figured that was allowed, especially now that they were mutineers. A brief thought of what his father would think about him being a pirate—a war criminal—flickered through his mind. Maybe he would understand.

Kaidan’s plan had been to go climb back in his sleeper pod. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to sleep, but maybe resting his body would’ve been enough. Instead, he found his feet moving towards the Captain’s cabin. After checking in with half of the crew, he thought it might be wise to check in with the Commander as well…so he told himself.

They’d had a long talk after they got back from the club a few nights prior. Things were going well between them. They’d both made some mistakes, but they were moving past them and working things out. He was in love for the first time since Rahna, and that was scary enough by itself, but he’d never felt better.

Shepard looked surprised to see him when he opened the door. “Kaidan?”

“Hey Shepard,” he said, shouldering past the Commander into the dim cabin. “I couldn’t sleep and saw you were still up.”

“Yeah, couldn’t sleep either. I was just going over these reports…for the tenth time,” Shepard sighed, heading towards his desk. He sat his datapad down and leaned back against Kaidan whose arms were snaking around his waist. 

Kaidan skimmed his lips over the skin of his neck up to his ear, delighting in the clean scent of Alliance soap. “I think sleeping in your bed must’ve spoiled me.”

“Is that so, LT?”

“Heh, yeah…or maybe it’s just you.”

Shepard spun in his arms, putting his own around Kaidan and pulling him close, his lips teasing the skin right above Kaidan’s collar. Their bodies fit so well, like a key to a lock, every dip and curve perfectly aligned. It must’ve been fate, them finding each other, because nothing else explained how well they complimented the other, how deep the admiration and love Kaidan had developed for him went. And he knew it was mutual.

It was probably a little too soon to start picking out china patterns, but he’d never felt so connected to another human being before. They didn’t exactly get off on the right foot—of course both of their lack of experience with relationships might’ve been to blame for that—but he had faith that they’d be able to work through any speed bumps they’d encounter in the future. Maybe that was the naivety that came with a burgeoning relationship, or maybe he was just a fool in love. 

It didn’t matter either way.

Shepard’s teeth grazed over his pulse point, and he laughed when Kaidan quivered. “Maybe we should try to get some sleep, K.”

“Not on your life,” Kaidan said. The last thing he wanted to do was sleep.

After that, it was a flurry of kisses, nibbles, and fingers working over stubborn buttons. Familiar hands explored each other like the first time, or maybe the last, but there was nothing novel about it, just reassuring touches and caresses in all the right places at exactly the right time. 

Shepard knew right where to nip at the skin of his collarbone to earn a hedonistic gasp of pleasure that would send Kaidan’s fingers bunching up the sheets and his body bowing into the heavens, and Kaidan knew the depth of every divot of John’s spine, felt every shiver that trickled down it when their hips make contact and friction lit their bodies on fire.

Because this was it. This might be last time, and Kaidan was determined to commit every little detail to memory, from the angle his calves curved around Shepard’s thighs to the pulsing puffs of air breezing over his neck, the way Shepard’s body reacted to his touch and the way they moved so flawlessly in sync. 

He wasn’t a religious man, but this was as close to spiritual as he’d ever been. Everything about it, about them, was divine, the room their temple and the bed an altar upon which they’d built a relationship that had no business existing. And oh how he prayed that it wasn’t the last sacrifice they’d ever get to make on it. 

They never had much time for slow. The mission was the priority and didn’t leave time for romance, no time for falling into the depths of Shepard’s blue eyes that were so dark with lust, no time for sliding his hand over the corded muscles of a back that carried so much weight, no time to rejoice in every tingle of nerves at the sweet drag of Shepard’s cock along his slicked up walls. 

But they had a little now. And he didn’t want to waste a second of it.

Shepard was propped up on his elbows above him, fingers toying with the tips of Kaidan’s hair and cock buried so deep he was sure they’d never be parted again. And something screamed inside him that they never would be, that John Shepard, was it for him. Everything he’d ever need bound tight in his arms.

“Love you,” Kaidan whispered, lips a hair’s breadth from Shepard’s. 

“Love you,” Shepard mirrored, the corners of his mouth curling up before he pressed them against Kaidan’s for a slow, languid kiss as he pumped into him at glacial pace.

There wasn’t much else to say, their bodies easing into a rhythm that was as ancient as the stars. Sweat beaded on his brow, a matching sheen building on Shepard’s, but he didn’t want it to end. He wanted to be frozen in that moment for eternity, Shepard’s cock pistoning inside him, his own throbbing in his lover’s hand, but it was too much. Shepard was too much, above him, inside him, even under his skin. He was everywhere, and he was everything. And he always would be.

His biotics sparked when he reached his release, Shepard chasing him right over the edge before he all but collapsed on top of him. They were a sweaty mess of tangled limps, both breathing heavy, as they laid there in post-coital bliss, bodies rocked by aftershocks for several minutes after. 

Kaidan went boneless; every bit of tension had leeched right out of him. He didn’t even move when Shepard cleaned them both up, but the last thing he remembered before he fell into a restful sleep was Shepard pulling up the covers and curling up behind him. Kaidan was usually the big spoon, but he didn’t mind when Shepard held him for a change. Especially not after the best fuck of his life. 

When he woke up a few hours later—Shepard watching him with a fond smile—he thought that if he was to die on Ilos, that at least he'd be going out with a bang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there is either 1, 2, or 3 more chapters to go here. I still can't decide where to end it. But it might be awhile before another update because I really need to start on my ME Big Bang fic. :D


	14. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Kaidan take a well deserved nap after defeating Saren and Sovereign.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long overdue, but here have this!

The fighting on Ilos almost wiped them out. They depleted their medi-gel supply rapidly and the overuse of Kaidan’s biotics stirred up a killer migraine that threatened to sideline him, but he persevered. Shepard had wanted him to stay on the Normandy, but he wouldn’t hear it. They’d been through too much not to finish it side by side, and if Shepard was going down fighting, so was he.

Garrus must’ve felt the same because neither of them opposed Shepard’s decision to gun it through the Relay. The Mako bouncing over several Geth Colossus’ as they made their approach. Just before they hit the ramp, Shepard reached for his hand. Kaidan looked over at him and their eyes met. Everything after that was a blur of bullets, adrenaline, and pain. 

But he remembered waking up in the rubble, his armor breached by a chunk of metal in his side. His heart sank when he looked around and didn’t see Shepard. Garrus put a hand on his shoulder and his eyes started to fill with unshed tears. They hadn’t had enough time together yet. They still had hundreds of elevators on the Citadel to desecrate. 

Just before his eyes reached maximum capacity, he saw something move in the debris, Shepard’s red N7 armor coming into a view and the most gorgeous blue eyes he’d ever seen trained right on him. He had a feeling the smirk on his face mirrored Shepard’s, but he didn’t care. They took down Saren and stopped Sovereign, they avenged Ash, and they all made it out the other side. 

When Shepard got to him, he grabbed him and pulled him in for a kiss, the ceramic plates of their armor smashing together. He winced and John apologized on his lips before kissing him again, softer the second time, a gentle press of their mouths followed by the flick of Shepard’s tongue against his lips.

“Think I fucked up my shoulder,” Shepard groaned as he pulled away.

“Ahem,” Anderson cleared his throat from behind them. Kaidan turned around and had the decency to blush red, but Shepard just smiled. 

“Sir,” Shepard saluted.

“I didn’t see that.”

“Sure, just like I didn’t see you punch Udina in the face,” John said, a smug grin settling in.

“You three go get yourselves checked out by the medical team. I’ll figure out how to explain this mess to the Council.”

“Aye, aye, sir,” they said as they saluted. 

After meeting with Dr. Chakwas, she told him and Shepard to report to Huerta Memorial. Shepard needed surgery on his shoulder, and Kaidan had a splitting headache. He could’ve suffered through it, but he thought she wanted to do them a favor. After saving the galaxy, they deserved a little brake. Maybe they’d get to spend some time together on shore leave. The idea of bringing Shepard home to met the parents felt right. They’d gone through so much the last few months that he thought they needed time to recharge. Shepard especially.

*****

Shepard had surgery the next day. The doctors needed to repair his socket joint that had gotten crushed when a piece of debris crash into him. He waited in the lobby with the rest of the ground team while Dr. Chakwas assisted the surgeons. He would’ve rather been on the battlefield then a waiting room. John was under anesthesia and he felt so helpless. Liara and Tali did a great job of keeping his mind occupied, though. He didn’t know if anyone but Joker and Garrus knew they were together, but he trusted them regardless.

Anderson arrived with Captain Shepard an hour into the surgery. The Admiral introduced her to the crew, but Kaidan’s stomach already had enough knots in it. He had no idea if Shepard or Anderson had mentioned him to her. She smiled when she shook his hand but didn’t treat him any differently than anyone else. It should’ve been a good thing, but he felt mildly disappointed that Shepard hadn’t told his mother about them. 

They waited for what felt like hours before Dr. Chakwas came out. “Everything went smoothly. He’s being moved to the recovery wing, and he’ll need a little physical therapy, but he should be back to fighting shape in a few weeks.”

Everyone gave a sigh of relief, and Kaidan let out the breath he’d been holding in the whole time. 

“Thanks, Dr. Chakwas,” Anderson said as he shook her hand. “When can we see him?”

“Give me a few moments and I’ll bring you and Captain Shepard in.”

Once Anderson and Shepard’s mother had been in to see him, the crew took turns visiting him for a few moments. Kaidan went in with Garrus who teased Shepard about having low stamina for needing surgery. Kaidan kind of held back. Shepard seemed loopy, so he didn’t think he’d miss him much. He had wanted to stay the night, but the whole fraternization thing spooked him a little. Visiting hours were over anyway.

“Sleep well, Shepard. We’ll see you in the morning,” Kaidan said after the nurse told them their time was up. 

“You’re not gonna sleep with me, K?” Shepard asked, a goofy grin on his sleepy eyes. “Aww, at least give me a kiss goodnight.”

Garrus made a weird clicking sound with his mandibles and looked away. They must have embarrassed him. 

“Sure, Shepard,” Kaidan said, shaking his head. He moved closer to the bed where Shepard grabbed him with the arm not wrapped in bandages and a sling and pulled him down to kiss him.

“Do me a favor,” he whispered once Kaidan pulled back. “Walk away sllloooowwwly, huh? That ass of your is spectacular.”

Once again, Garrus made a strange noise and left the room muttering something under his breath.

“I have to go, but I’ll be back tomorrow. You rest, okay.” 

He pulled the blanket up over Shepard’s chest and gave him one last peck on the lips.

“Love you,” Shepard said when Kaidan turned around. He punctuated his point with a pinch of Kaidan’s ass.

“Ouch!” He shot a hard look over his shoulder, which softened once he saw the fond expression on Shepard’s face. “Love you too, you big idiot.”

Shepard beamed and he walked out the door. 

*****

The next morning, he got to the hospital only to wait in the lobby for an hour until visiting hours commenced. He went down to the hospital cafe for a coffee, and when he got back, Captain Shepard had arrived. She grilled him on his career and family history for a good twenty minutes before she told him to call her Hannah and admitted that Shepard had talked her ear off about him on a vidcom the night before. He turned red as a tomato at that bit of information. 

“I actually have a meeting I need to get to. Would you be a dear and tell John that I’ll be back after lunch?” Hannah asked a few minutes before they were allowed to go in. 

Kaidan furrowed his brow in confusion, but he agreed. 

Once the clock at the nurse’s station said eight, he made a beeline for Shepard’s room. 

Shepard had his back to the door when he slipped in, but he turned his head to look at him.

“It’s just me,” he said. “How are you feeling?”

“I’d feel better if you got in bed with me,” Shepard replied.

“Only if you promise to behave yourself,” he teased.

“Scout’s honor.”

Kaidan kicked off his boots and climbed in behind him. He wrapped his arms around John’s waist, careful of his injured shoulder, and nuzzled into his neck. The smell of antiseptic hid his natural scent, but Kaidan could still make it out. His eyes fluttered shut and he pressed sweet kisses to the back of John’s neck.

“Had a nice chat with your mother this morning, but she said she had a meeting to go to.”

“Mhm, said she was going to interrogate you. Don’t worry, she’s mostly harmless.”

Shepard wiggled his ass back into him, and Kaidan sucked in a haggard breath. “I told you to behave.”

It didn’t surprise him when Shepard arched his back, his ass rubbing against the growing bulge Kaidan did his best to quell, but they’d almost died, he still had adrenaline coursing through his veins, and Shepard’s ass was also very spectacular. The thin civvies he wore didn’t help matters and all Shepard had on was a flimsy gown. They might as well have been naked already.

“John, would you stop? You just had surgery, you need to heal first. You can’t even move your right arm.”

“Oh, what a shame. I guess that means you’ll have to be the one to jack me off then, huh babe?”

Kaidan whimpered. Mostly because that sounded like a fantastic idea. “Shepard?” he tried.

“You should feel how hard I am for you right now. It must be endorphins…or maybe it’s just you.”

Shepard’s voice had dropped down into his bedroom voice and that just wasn’t fair.

The next thing he knew, Shepard had his head turned back and his tongue down Kaidan’s throat. He didn’t need anymore prompting. His hand slithered into his gown from Shepard’s hip to take him in hand. “Fuck, you are hard.”

“Told you,” Shepard panted.

“Do scare me like that again,” Kaidan said, giving a squeeze at the base of Shepard’s shaft before a slow stroke upward. Shepard jutted his hips back again before thrusting them forward when Kaidan started back down the length of him. 

“I won’t.”

Kaidan couldn’t believe he let Shepard talk him into having sex in a hospital twelve hours after his boyfriend had surgery, but Shepard made him all kinds of crazy. “Didn’t bring lube.”

“When has that stopped us before,” Shepard chuckled.

Kaidan kissed a patch of skin on his shoulder exposed by the gap in his gown, and then released him for a second so he could free himself from his cumbersome slacks. That earned him a disgruntled grunt from Shepard. He turned his head back and Kaidan kissed his cheek, the stubble rough against his lips. He drew his teeth along Shepard’s jawline, and nibbled on his earlobe as he thrust his dick in between Shepard’s thighs.

“See? We make it work.” 

“You are such a bad influence on me, John.”

But he was absolutely okay with that. 

Kaidan gripped his cock again and started to stroke him as he established an easy rhythm with his hips, pumping into Shepard’s thighs as he thrust back against him. Shepard seemed to be doing okay, but Kaidan wasn’t going to risk setting back his recovery. The one time he bumped his shoulder, Shepard hissed, and he threatened to stop, but after a little sweet talking that involved skilled fingers working over the tip of his dick, he changed his mind. They were both pretty close anyway.

He felt his balls tightening and increased the pace as he bit his lip to keep from moaning too loud. Shepard’s cock twitched against his palm right before he came, and the threat of a nurse walking in and catching them had Kaidan’s senses heightened to the point he could feel every muscle of Shepard’s body as they contracted against him when he reached his orgasm. 

The “Fuck, Kaidan” Shepard always gasped when he climaxed, when his body was so wrecked with euphoria, had a way of pushing Kaidan right over the edge. He spilt out between Shepard’s thighs as he wrung every last bit of pleasure from both of them. 

After he straightened them both out, and helped Shepard into a new gown, they snuggled back down in the tiny hospital bed. Out the window, they watched smoke from parts of the Citadel still burning billow into the purple sky. “It’s not over yet, Kaidan.”

He breathed in his lover’s scent and closed his eyes. “I know. But I don’t want to think about that right now.” All he wanted to do was feel the rise and fall of Shepard’s chest while he held him in his arms.

“It can wait…but I have a confession to make. I wasn’t in the Scouts.”

“Kind of figured that out when you broke their Honor Code.”

“I don’t hear you complaining about the hot sex.”

Kaidan adorned Shepard’s neck with kisses, hitting that spot right under his ear that always made him giggle. “And you never will.”

Shepard fell asleep soon after, his melodic snores tempting for Kaidan to join him. He tried to keep his eyes open in case someone came in, but after a while, he figured they both earned the right to a long overdue nap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I've decided to end this on a happy note, before ME2, so just one more chapter left. I have to end it on an elevator. It's the rules.


	15. Sticky Fingers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard has recovered and planned a special surprise for Kaidan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so very sorry this took so long. I've had a very busy summer and really haven't had much time to write. I feel rusty, but hopefully this last chapter isn't too bad. Enjoy!

**Two Weeks Later**

 

“Where are we going?” Kaidan asked as he followed half a step behind Shepard. He’d gotten the timing just right so every backward swing of Shepard’s hand met his own, which was as close to holding hands as they could get in public.

Shepard smirked back at him. “You’ll see.”

They walked down several corridors and into a restricted area. He thought they were close to the Council chambers, and the damage they surveyed confirmed his suspicions.

“How long do you think it’ll take to fix everything?”

“A while I’m sure. Sovereign really did a number on it.” After a few more twists and turns they stopped in front of an elevator. “Ah, here we are.” Shepard winked at him as he brought up his omnitool. He punched in a few buttons and the door opened with a hiss.

Kaidan chuckled as his eyes jumped back and forth between Shepard, who was watching him with a hopeful smile, and the elevator. “I had no idea you were so romantic.”

“Saving the galaxy doesn’t leave time for much,” Shepard replied slipping into the elevator and tiptoeing around the picnic that had already been set up.

There was an outstretched blanket on the floor and two small electric candles on top of the picnic basket that twinkled like the real thing. Beside them sat two glasses awaiting the champagne on ice, and he smelled meat, which had his mouth watering. Or maybe that was the “come hither” look Shepard was giving him. He laughed to himself and stepped inside, peering out the glass window that overlooked the Presidium before following Shepard’s footsteps over to the blanket.

Kaidan sat down beside him, and they leaned in for a languid kiss. He felt Shepard’s hand run up his chest before curling around the back of his neck. Then heads were tilting and tongues twisted together as the sweet kisses gained urgency. Every beat of his heart came quicker than the last and sent his head spinning with thoughts of how close he had been to losing this.

He pulled back a little breathless and pressed his forehead to Shepard’s. They’d gone through a lot the past several months, but they’d both made it out the other side. Shepard had recovered from surgery, and surprisingly no one got court martialed for stealing the Normandy. He didn’t know what their next assignment would bring, but he figured they both deserved some elevator romance before they jumped back into the fire.

“How’d you do all this?” he asked, turning to look at all of Shepard’s hard work. He hadn’t noticed the rose petals at first glance nor the strawberries dipped in chocolate. Shepard really out did himself.

Shepard grinned, reaching over to retrieve the glasses and champagne. “I’m a Spectre, I have my ways.” He handed the glasses to Kaidan and popped the cork on the bottle. “We haven’t exactly had the most normal beginning to a relationship,” he said as he poured, “but I think we earned a little time for ourselves.”

Kaidan had to agree.

Shepard put the bottle back and they clinked glasses. “To us.”

“To us,” Kaidan mirrored.

“And to all the elevators we have left to christen.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes fondly before he took a drink. It had been a while since he had champagne, but it wasn’t bad. The bubbles tickled his nose, and Shepard laughed when he wiggled it.

“Would you like to eat?” Shepard asked, placing his empty glass out of the way.

“No, absolutely not,” he replied, blindly disposing of his own somewhere behind him.

He had Shepard flat on his back in the blink of an eye, his full body weight pinning him down as he attacked his lips. Shepard’s chest rumbled with a laugh as his fingers carded through Kaidan’s hair, but it soon became muttled and distorted by the moans Kaidan coaxed from him. They had taken things easy while Shepard healed, but he could tell from the bite on his lip that maybe it was time to bump things up a notch.

“So dessert first,” Shepard said. “I’m absolutely fine with that.” He bucked his hips up into Kaidan and grinned before he rolled them both over. “Good thing I came prepared.”

“Don’t you always?”

Shepard smiled and kissed him hard, nipping Kaidan’s bottom lip before pulling back to straddle him. “Yes, but I mean more so than usual.”

Kaidan ran his hands up the taut skin of Shepard’s abs as he stripped off his shirt. “What do you mean, ‘more than usual?’”

Shepard’s salacious smile had Kaidan’s cock throbbing. “You’ll see.”

Thank Spirits Shepard began unfastening Kaidan’s jeans because his zipper was starting to press against his hardening cock. He slipped his fingers down along Shepard’s happy trail and worked on unwrapping whatever surprise Shepard had in store for him. The lack of underwear was a nice touch.

Shepard’s battleworn hand wrapped around his shaft and gave a few pretty fantastic tugs. Kaidan might’ve whimpered when he removed his fingers, but then Shepard shed his jeans and replaced his hand with his ass as he slid right onto him in one smooth motion, joining their bodies in the most perfect union Kaidan had ever known.

All he could do was stare up at Shepard in awe. His face contorted in pleasure, bottom lip caught between teeth, head thrown back exposing the beautiful expanse of his neck that begged Kaidan to mar it, to mark it, to claim and be claimed. And he would, in a moment, but right now he almost couldn’t breathe, too overwhelmed with the way they fit together.

So maybe that’s why he blurted it out, his brain too flooded with chemicals to know better, but Shepard stopped the gentle roll of his hips that he’d started at gawked down at him for a moment.

“Say again?”

“N-nothing,” Kaidan stammered, face heating up, and not just because of their combined body heat.

Shepard leaned down, changing the angle and lighting up Kaidan’s synapsis like a Geth exploding. “You didn’t mean it...did you?”

He hadn’t meant it, had he? Okay, maybe he’d thought about it before, but they’d only been together a few months—officially anyway—and even he knew that was _way_ too fast. But yeah, he fucking did mean it.

Kaidan cleared his throat, swallowing around the lump in it. “I said...marry me.”

Shepard took in a stuttered breath before whispering, “You’re insane.”

“I had to be to fall for you.”

Shepard laughed, and Kaidan could feel it all the way down to his toes. They were both certifiable, but he could live with that. He could live the rest of his life with Shepard, which might not be that long if they didn’t figure out how to stop the Reapers, so maybe that’s why he’d asked.

He’d spent most of his life playing by the rules, but Shepard made him feel safe even in the midst of a raging blizzard or a hail of bullets. And something inside him made him think Shepard was worth the risk of throwing caution to the wind, if only just this once.

“We don’t have to do it right away. You haven't even met my parents yet,” Kaidan added. “Or...we can pretend I didn’t say anything.”

“Oh no, you aren’t getting out of it that easily, Alenko,” Shepard said, smirking before he leaned down to peck him on the lips.

Shepard rocked his hips and Kaidan’s mind went blank for a moment, whiting out in bliss. This was not how he envisioned getting engaged, laying half naked in an elevator buried inside the man he’d just asked to marry him, but Shepard had a way turning his world upside down. He’d been doing it since the moment they met.

Shepard smiled. “Yeah, let’s get married.”

In a burst of biotic blue, Shepard flipped them over, his calves curling around Kaidan’s hips and bringing them impossibly close. Kaidan pulled back just a little—the slow drag dotting his skin with goose bumps—before sliding back home, the movement causing Shepard’s head to roll back, which gave Kaidan his chance to scrape teeth down his neck.

“Only one condition,” Kaidan whispered, voice already wrecked from one tiny thrust. “We are _not_ getting married in an elevator.”

“You’re no fun.” Shepard’s fake pout was soon replaced with a look of pure lust when Kaidan encircled his cock with his hand, a slow pull up his shaft wringing precome from the tip. “Okay, okay, you’re totally the boss.”

Kaidan laughed into the crook of Shepard’s neck and began a slow rhythm. But that soon gave way to a frantic pace, Shepard’s encouraging gasps spurring him on. Nails scored his back as they held on to each other like lifelines. He didn’t ever want to let go despite Shepard’s agreement to spend their lives together.

Their chosen profession made for an unpredictable future, and they’d lost so much already: Jenkins and Williams. They almost lost the Normandy. And Kaidan had almost lost Shepard. He didn’t want to think about what he would’ve done without him, and thankfully he didn’t have to.

Shepard pulled him down into a fiery kiss that grounded him in the moment, thighs tightening around his own as they raced toward the finish. It didn’t matter who came first, but Kaidan prided himself on how good he’d gotten at making Shepard fall to pieces. It still mesmerized him every time, the fluttering of eyelashes, the breathy _I love you’s,_ the feel of Shepard’s body stiffening underneath him as he found his release.

Then came the look of determined desire in those blue eyes as Shepard returned the favor, not giving in until Kaidan had dissolved into a whimpering mess, sated and satisfied and thoroughly wrecked for anyone else.

When he regained his faculties, Kaidan reached for a napkin and cleaned them up. He couldn’t believe his life now revolved around sex in elevators, or that he met his future spouse in one. And he certainly had a hard time rationalizing that the savior of the galaxy was feeding him chocolate covered strawberries in between sloppy kisses, but he’d totally take it.

They soon stuffed themselves on meats and gourmet cheeses and polished off the bottle of champagne. Kaidan had just finished up feeding Shepard the last of the grapes as they lay on the blanket watching skycars fly by through the glass.

“We should probably start heading back,” Shepard said through a sleepy yawn.

“Wish we could stay locked in here forever,” Kaidan replied, fingers toying with the skin just under Shepard’s collar.

Shepard smirked at him. “Sounds like heaven...but think of all the elevators we have yet to claim.”

Not to mention the business with the Reapers, but Kaidan didn’t feel like bringing that up right now.

He sighed and sat up to start packing the basket.

“Wait!”

Kaidan startled at Shepard’s exclamation. “What?”

Shepard rolled onto his side and began to dig through the basket. “We can’t leave until you eat your engagement éclair.”

“Engagement éclair?”

“It was just an éclair, but now...unless you want to change your mi—”

Kaidan kissed him before he could finish. He wasn’t about to change his mind, and he hoped he made that clear with his lips. “Engagement éclair, it is. But what if I’m too full to eat it?”

“When have you ever been too full for an éclair?”

Shepard had him there. His mouth had started to water as soon as Shepard pulled the confection out of the basket. “Do you want to share?”

Shepard smiled as he nodded, and they proceeded to eat the éclair _Lady and the Tramp_ style. And if that happened to lead to sticky fingered hand jobs, well neither really cared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with this story until the end! I had no idea what I was getting into when I wrote the first chapter, but I'm super happy with how it turned out. 
> 
> SEQUEL: [Of Memories and Mourning](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8233162/chapters/18868297)

**Author's Note:**

> Comments, critiques, and suggestions always welcome!  
> [Me on the tumblr.](http://www.arcticlucie.tumblr.com)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Treat Yourself](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11727414) by [EezoDistraction](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EezoDistraction/pseuds/EezoDistraction)




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